A Day in the Life of a Northwestern Rabbit

8:00 AM

Rise and shine, Northwestern. Gonna eat some grass, have some rabbit sex, and poop some little poop pellets. Today is going to be a good day.

8:02 AM

Oh yeah, having some consensual rabbit sex. This is some sexy sex. It’s good to be a hare.

8:03 AM

Nothing like shitting out all of the cellulose I ate from the grass. Pellets on pellets on pellets. Hell yeah. This is the life of a rabbit.

9:00 AM

Aw yeah! The rabbit I had sex with just gave birth. I’m a dad. My kids don’t have fur and look like afterbirth, but I feel like a proud rabbit daddy. I am still shitting pellets. The fun never ends.

9:05 AM

A German Shepherd just saw me. Fuck, okay. Relax, self. It’ll be okay.

9:06 AM

It’s chasing me. Holy shit, I am going to die.

9:30 AM

Hid in a bush for 24 minutes. Dog got bored.

10:00 AM

It is so cold. Hibernation was over 2 months ago. Goals: make friends with an engineer. Have him do DTC project on rabbit vests. Canada Goose rabbit vest?

11:00 AM

Is that a squirrel? On my grass. God, squirrels are so fucking bottom tier. Get out of here, squirrel! Fucking geed squirrel.

12:01 PM

Oh man. Is that a hawk? That hawk is so top tier. I’m gonna go say hi.

12:02 PM

Top tier hawk swooped down from a tree and picked up geed squirrel. Are they gonna play?

12:03 PM

...He ate the squirrel.

1:00 PM

Some girl just walked passed me and said, “Aw! A bunny!” A bunny? I’m a rabbit, you you fuckin’ UChicago reject. When will the micro-aggressions end?

3:00 PM

Jimmy John’s driver almost ran me over. I’m gonna shove the over-priced Subway he’s delivering up his ass.

3:31 PM

Rabbit wife gave me rabbit gonorrhea.

4:02 PM

Wrote a poem:

Carrots are yellow

Want to say to God, “Hello.”

My life is spiraling out of control

Going to eat more grass.

5:32 PM

Is the fox real or a rumor idk.

6:43 PM

Aw yeah. More rabbit sex.

6:45 PM

Mounted a male rabbit. Still felt good. Rabbit sex is a spectrum.

7:15 PM

Gonna go sleep in my warren (rabbit burrow) until night time so I can hunt for more grass.

10:28 PM

Let’s eat some grass and shit some more pellets.

11:00 PM

A human! Why is he stumbling toward me? It’s only a Thursday.

11:01 PM

He’s chasing me fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck it’s not supposed to end like this.

11:32 PM

He fell and isn’t getting up.

11:37 PM

Fuck. This. School.