Boyfriends Everywhere Suing Cinemas for Pumping Eye Irritants into Theaters Showing “The Fault in Our Stars”

A coalition of angry boyfriends are suing American cinemas and 20th Century Fox for allegedly pumping eye irritants into theaters showing “The Fault in Our Stars,” causing injuries ranging from leaky tear ducts to swollen, red eyes.

“It’s terrible what they’re doing,” said Klaus Stansdorf, 20, who saw the movie with his girlfriend Angelica, “I’m just trying to watch this stupid movie that my lady wanted to see, and suddenly five pounds of dust are in my eye and I have to put down this beer I snuck in to wipe away my dumb tears. I think it happened right around the part where Hazel and Gus are holding each other with full knowledge of what will happen and—oh fuck, my eyes! Did Fox get in here too? Are you working with them?” At that point in the interview, Stansdorf teared up and ran out of the Starbucks.

As of press time, hundreds of men had joined the lawsuit, claiming that the movie had irreparably damaged them, mainly at the point where the two main characters decide that their love is stronger than the cancer ravaging their bodies. Support meetings were held for plaintiffs, which consisted generally of round-table discussions about the plot points of the movie, prolonged bouts of copious weeping, and cups of hot tea and survival blankets.