Evanston in Your Mouth: Your Guide To Eating Out Around the Northwestern Campus
Northern Evanston, home of Northwestern University, is a hub of diversity. From its upper-middle class homes, to its upper-middle class citizens, to its upper-middle class dogs in sweater vests – it is difficult to find a place with more cultural variance. Though the Evanston community is about as stereo-typically white as Drake’s Bar Mitzvah, it is actually home to a wide variety of restaurants. In order to help the student body with its Evanston Dining Experience, Sherman Ave has developed a comprehensive guide to Evanston dining, categorized by mouthgasm rating:
ORAL ORGO
The restaurants in this category are less than enjoyable. The food is not necessarily bad, but like taking orgo, it will leave you bored, tired, and wanting to be drunk.
Burger King (Sober Edition): Unfortunately, some poor souls have chosen to go to BK sober – or worse – hung-over. Do not make this mistake, trust me. After a 1p.m. venture to the hallowed den of late night binge-eating, I came to the realization that the “amazing” burgers I had consumed the night before were not nearly as amazing when they could actually be tasted. A sober BK is a sad BK and that should be avoided at all costs.
Chili’s: Have you been to an Applebee’s? What about TGI Friday’s? What about (Insert American Food Chain Here)? Then you’ve been to Chili’s. Unless you are over forty years old and you need a place to vent about “the ole ball and chain,” a trip to Chili’s is something you can go without.
MINI-GASM
These restaurants are some of the better spots in Evanston. Though not quite bringing you to full climax, they will definitely leave you satisfied and maybe even wanting to call them the next morning.
Greek Fire Grill: Want to taste what it’s like to live in an economic free-fall without all the pain, suffering, and confusing talk of austerity? Look no further than this excellent little gem on Hinman Ave. The Greek Fire Grill is a great, small restaurant serving inexpensive Greek food and the perfect place to make all of your inappropriate national debt jokes. From kabobs to other Greek food that I cannot spell or pronounce, there is something for almost anyone at The Greek Fire Grill.
Zoba Noodle: Though Evanston certainly has more than its fair share of Pan-Asian restaurants, Zoba Noodle tops the list as the best in the city. Zoba is the San Diego of the Pan-Asian food world in Evanston: It may not be as big and as loud as Los Angeles (Joyee’s), and it may not be as diverse in its eccentric offerings as San Francisco (Cozy Noodles), but it is calm and friendly and a lot more fun – and it’s cheaper than both of the other options. However, the most important aspect of Zoba is that its BYOB, and their ID policy is about as strict as the pre-Tisdahl Keg. If you’re looking for a fun place to grab some good food and calmly get absolutely hammered on your reserves of Andre, Zoba is the place to go.
“TIME TO CHANGE YOUR PANTS”-gasm
These restaurants are the best of the best. The cream of the crop. Imagine Morty in your mouth – that’s what it’s like to eat at these restaurants.
Burger King (Drunk Edition): There’s an old saying at Northwestern: “BK in the day, stay away. BK in the night, OH MY GOD YES! GET IN ME! FILL ME WITH YOUR KINGLY GOODNESS! NOM NOM NOM JNBBADHKBFJNNSNSLD!” In fact, it is rumored that the Northwestern administration, Mohawk Vodka (the Official Drink of Northwestern University), and Burger King have all conspired to keep BK in Evanston and split all of Burger King’s post 12 a.m. profits. There are few things better than BK on a drunk stomach (penguins, Carly Rae Jepsen, and more penguins), so for your late night noms there's one clear choice.
Wings Over Evanston: Simply put, Wings Over has a very befitting name – as it is a gift from the Gods above. The best wings in the Evanston area and a delivery time of within thirty minutes of ordering, there is really nothing negative that can be said of this fine establishment. A friend to all, and a hero to most, Wings Over is simply the best there is to offer in terms of American food – making it the best to offer in general, because, like, America. USA! USA! USA!
Todoroki: Did you know there is a restaurant where you can get unlimited sushi? UNLIMITED SUSHI? All of the sushi you can eat. Until you die. It’s real. It’s really, really real – it’s amazing. It’s called Todoroki, and it’s pretty much the best thing to ever exist ever in the history of anywhere. And they serve sushi in boats. Boats. Delicious, delicious boats. Are you still reading this and not eating sushi? Why? Leave! NOW. Todoroki is everything any person could ever want with his or her life and every person needs to experience it this second.
SO NICE I CAME TWICE If Mario Batali had a foodgasm with John Wayne, the result would be an Edzo's burger. Why?
That is a full run-down of the most notable restaurants in Evanston because I said so. I hope this has been as pleasurable for you as the eating was for me. If any reader has any further questions about Evanston dining, he or she should not hesitate to CALL ME MAYBE! Thank you.
Notable Mentions Crêperie Saint-Germain, Plexican Night at Plex, Jimmy Johns, Cozy Noodle, Joyee’s, Five Guys, Al's Deli, Sad Bones Malone's "Special" Brownie Bakery, Le Peep, and JK Sweet’s.
The Author, Manua Hiki-Hiki, may be reached at (847)491-7456.
