MIT student: “Northwestern Hot” is Really, Really Hot

EVANSTON -- An MIT student visiting his high school friend here in Evanston has noted that “Northwestern hot is really, really hot.”

Tony Anderson, a native of Joliet, Illinois studying engineering at MIT, spent most of his night attempting to score with lines such as, “Quaecumque sunt very very horny,” and “I’ll show you my Willie the Wildcat if you show me your Tim the Beaver.”

“He was kind of cute,” said eyewitness and potential love interest Jennie Sullivan. “He knew all the Korean lyrics to Gangnam style as well as the ‘Eyyy sexy laday,’ which was pretty cool. I just wish he’d broken eye contact. It was like the opposite of walking down Sheridan.”

Anderson’s lack of success did not damper his joy at getting to occupy the same space-time continuum as “goddesses of Jennifer Lawrence’s caliber.” Anderson recounted an earlier encounter in the library with a babe wearing the Finals Week Ponytail and Joy Yee’s-stained yoga pants, which sent him running to the first-floor men’s room with a massive fap attack.

“I’m sorry, did you say you can’t find any attractive students at this party, or that you can’t decide between the rack or the bootie on that hottie?”