Northwestern Bicyclists Protest Wider Sidewalks, Claim It Will Make Their Game “Heart Attack” Too Difficult

With spring in the air Northwestern has begun to seriously consider widening the now crowded sidewalks.  However, the initiative has been met with opposition.  This weekend, over a hundred Northwestern bicyclists appeared outside Norris to protest the proposal.  The organizer of the protest, Victor Elmsworth, had this to say, “I admit we’re a bit spoiled here at NU.  For years we have made Sheridan sidewalks one of the most infamous arenas to play ‘Heart Attack.’ If the school widens our sidewalks, it will be almost impossible to get even ten points a week!” The point system, of course referring the official “Heart Attack” scoring scale, consists of several opportunities to acquire points.  For example, riding up to a defenseless student and locking the brakes just before contact will be awarded two points.  If you splinter off the sidewalk and manage to narrowly cut someone off upon re-entry, you are awarded three. And finally, if you just run the son of a bitch over, you are awarded five.

The leading scorer, Tanner Worthington, also expressed displeasure at the speculation of wider sidewalks: “This is unlawful.  Sure, there are victims, but if the victims are so angry about the biking culture they should just get bikes. The administration has never felt the rush of rolling through a vulnerable student who had their headphones in at full volume.”

While some bikers find the change laughable, others have showed strong support. Wyatt Plowenstall, a passionate biker for over two years, commented, “It’s not even enough to call our arena open season; we might as well pave the paths with points. I welcome the idea of a little challenge in my day and I insist that my biking brethren join me.”

The possibility of wider sidewalks has certainly stirred the Northwestern community; some bikers feel their way of life is being threatened.  If the plan does go through, however, the bikers will at least be subsidized with wider, quieter tires to equip to their bikes.