Students Paying $60,000 a Year for Education Able to Correctly Identify Weather Conditions

EVANSTON, Ill. – Students who pay approximately $45,120 a year on college tuition alone proved this afternoon that they have the ability to properly identify the weather condition of “snow,” the climatological phenomenon by which incredibly small droplets of frozen water, each one unique and infinitesimally defined, fall from the sky.

“OMG SNOW IS HERE SO HAPPY #LetItSnow,” reported Christina Schwartzman (Medill ’16), who by the end of her college career will have suffered over $240,000 in educational costs in order to net herself a successful marketing job, via her Twitter account. This sentiment was contrasted by Weinberg Junior Clark Collins, a young man who will one day found his own Smartphone-based tech startup, who tweeted “Snow already ughhhhh #TooEarly.”

Students viewing this image will likely say, "I KNOW WHAT THAT WHITE STUFF IS OMG."

Hundreds of other students, all of whom are enrolled in a university with an acceptance rate that hovers annually around 14%, also expressed amazement at the weather development that will afflict the Greater Chicago Area approximately 50 more times in the coming months.

This continues an impressive trend of Northwestern students, a body of individuals who very well may one day hold powerful and influential positions in various different industries in both America and around the world, being able to successfully identify what is happening outside.  This past Spring, many students expressed their knowledge of the condition of sun shining down on Earth to warm both us and the creatures and plants that co-exist with us. Last January, students voiced their dismay at harsh winter weather conditions, which could be viewable by simply looking out any window into the outside world.

Northwestern president Morty Schapiro could not be reached for comment, but we assume he would’ve said something clever or funny or some shit I don’t know.  It’s a slow news day.  Just go eat a Klondike Bar® or something.

- Prince Giblets and Ross Packingham

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