The 3 Types of “Should Be Ivy League” Schools

Jan 12

Jan 12 The 3 Types of “Should Be Ivy League” Schools

You go to a great school. But no—it’s not just great. It’s outstanding. Hell, it can even compete with some Ivy League schools. But after working your ass off to get good grades, nailing your standardized tests, and getting accepted into an impressive university, you still can’t sit at the popular kids’ table. You’re second tier. At best, you’re the kid who tries to tag along with the popular kids, but everyone knows you aren’t actually popular.

You aren’t Ivy League.

If this is you, we have noticed some trends among your schools, and we’ve laid them out here neatly for you.

1) The “Oh! I’ve Never Heard of It” School

You smile politely and describe the location of your school. But inside you’re fuming. “YOU HAVE NO IDEA,” you think to yourself. Tears come to your eyes. All of the hard work, the all-nighters, the stress eating, and the sexual frustration you endured while studying have amounted to nothing. To the person who spoke those words, you’re just a peasant, and nothing more.

Examples:

Northwestern University

Location: Evanston, Illinois

U.S. News’s National Ranking: 12 (tied with Johns Hopkins)

Popular Perceptions:

-Is that the school in Boston?

-Or in the Pacific Northwest…?

Washington University in St. Louis

Location: St. Louis, Missouri

U.S. News’s National Ranking: 14

Popular Perceptions:

-Has a really long name, so it’s probably not a relevant school

-Wait so is it in Washington D.C. or like the actual state of Washington?

Emory University

Location: Atlanta, Georgia

U.S. News’s National Ranking: 20 (tied with Georgetown)

Popular Perceptions:

-An obscure small school

-Don’t know anyone who goes there, so it’s probably not relevant

2) The “Awkwardly on the East Coast” School

You accidentally got invited to the popular kids’ party and everyone is there, but nobody wants to dance with you. “Boston” by Augustana starts to play, and you’re slow dancing by yourself, rocking back and forth with your eyes closed. “I’m popular,” you whisper, as you begin to weep. But in reality, you’re not. Being at the party doesn’t give you Ivy status. And everyone knows you aren’t part of the club, even though you have every right to be.

Examples Include:

Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Location: Cambridge, Massachusetts

U.S. News’s National Ranking: 7 (tied with Duke)

The Silver Lining: Everyone thinks you’re a technology genius, which is impressive.

Johns Hopkins University

Location: Baltimore, Maryland

U.S. News’s National Ranking: 12 (tied with Northwestern)

The Silver Lining: Everyone thinks you’re a future doctor, which is impressive.

Georgetown University

Location: Washington, DC

U.S. News’s National Ranking: 20 (tied with Emory)

The Silver Lining: Everyone thinks you’re a rich, preppy, OKAY NEVERMIND, NO SILVER LINING.

3) The “We’re the Ivy League School of the ________” School

You weren’t even invited to the party, but it’s probably just because you aren’t located in the Northeast, right?! You rationalize that if your school was on the East Coast, you would for surrreee be Ivy League, so you self-proclaim as an “Ivy League School of the (Insert U.S. geographical region)” as a coping mechanism.

Examples:

Stanford University

Location: Stanford, California

U.S. News’s National Ranking: 5 (tied with U of Chicago)

Self-Proclaimed Title: Ivy League School of the West