What Your Virtual Happy Hour Drink Says About You

Features contribution from Associated Press

Remember when bartenders existed? Or the sound bottles made when you clinked them together? All the times you cleaned up puke from that deadweight in your life? You definitely miss the last one most. Oh, the good ol’ days. Modern day now brings you Zoom happy hour. But, at this point, you’ve definitely experienced the most atrocious Corona-themed parties and have heard enough about Becky’s new margarita recipe .When you get that Zoom link you know the drill: open the fridge, grab that special drink, and turn your camera on for the “rager.” Don’t think you’re special. We see your drink of choice and know exactly who you are…

Hard Liquor

The only difference between your Zoom happy hour and the rest of your quarantine is the presence of others. In other words, drinking is your favorite and only quarantine pastime. When you’re brave enough to leave the house, you’re not going to buy food or toilet paper — you’re hitting the liquor store. Again. Your goal is to blackout for the entire pandemic and watch Contagion when you wake up to find out what you’ve missed. 

Generic Cocktail 

The CDC’s warnings are like traffic lights to you: they’re just suggestions. You could very well die, but like the commander-in-chief, you don’t believe in science. As the ultimate chaotic evil on the alignment chart, you lick toilet bowls and touch other people’s faces because #yolo right? Speaking of healthy decisions, a Tinder hookup is definitely still on the table for you, preferably with a positive case of Corona beers. You also take every opportunity to get out of the house and have fun with your friends, even if it means you guys end up six feet apart under. 

Margarita

You’re actually a type of cocktail but you’re all about “being your own person.” In other words, you are a narcissist. Your main quarantine goal is to become Tik Tok famous because your parents never loved you. When you’re not seeking validation from those seven followers, you’re planning the perfect outfit to match the next Zoom party theme. You’d rather contract COVID-19 then show up in the same outfit as Lindsey (again) -- her toilet paper dress can wipe your ***. Seriously though, ask Lindsey if it can wipe your *** -- you’re out of toilet paper.

Beer

If you choose to bring a beer to your Zoom happy hour, you’re probably still trying to figure out how to exist without sports or slamming Natty Lite (which counts as a sport). By the time that Zoom link hits your phone, you’re five beers deep because your liver capacity is just a concept. You probably developed a bit of a beer belly, but that’s okay because, when quarantine ends, girls are going to love the dad bod again… right, Lindsey? 

Water 

If you bring water to the Zoom happy hour, this meeting is getting squeezed between your morning run and full body home workout, and you can’t afford to be bloated. You’ve most likely started posting home workouts on Tik Tok telling yourself it’s to help others stay healthy, when really it’s just a way to let people know that you’re going to be in shape when this ends. You’re “watching your figure” but still want to celebrate with your friends. Just grab a cocktail, Steve, your abs aren’t going anywhere. 

Wine 

Bringing wine to your virtual happy hour tells the others that you’ve spent your quarantine reading the works of Faulkner, Hemingway, and Steinbeck. You’re an old soul and would much rather be sitting by the fire with a good book than watching your friends get drunk over Zoom. Being stuck inside doesn’t stop you from being more sophisticated than your peers — while your other classmates have worn a sweatshirt and pajama pants for every online class, you show up each day in a different button-up shirt and silk cardigan. 

The party’s over. You leave the meeting and set your drink down… just kidding. Pick that drink back up. Every hour is happy hour in quarantine. Friends come and go but alcohol isn’t going anywhere. Booze > boos.