A Northwestern Trans* Guide to Public Bathrooms
Regardless of where you are on your gender-bending binary-refinery journey, you’ll no doubt face the greatest threat to hit the trans* community yet: public bathrooms. How will you confront these transphobic forces of evil when you come back to Northwestern? Here are some hot tips to help you out! Let’s get to it!
March in with confidence. Sure, you might get a double-take at first. But, if you’ve got enough oomph in your step, maybe they’ll feel bad for thinking that they’re in the wrong bathroom! J'accuse!
No one else in the bathroom cares about your presence as much as you do. Whereas they’re just there to dispel a regrettable Plex Burrito, you’re a gender-pioneer! Fun!
Go in with a friend! Everyone knows that peeing’s only fun when you got a buddy. Ask Zach from SPAC or Becky who’s a Trekkie. Or, meet someone new! Like that time when I accidentally gave a stranger a laxative when they asked for melatonin, the possibilities are endless!
Stun and run. Sure, you could just worry that they’ll talk about you behind your back later. But why give them the chance? Come out of the stall loud and proud! Dazzle ‘em with some jazz hands! Belt out those show tunes! Give ‘em something to goss about!
Headphones. It's scientifically proven: if you can’t hear them, they can’t hear you.
Retreat to Main Library’s Unisex Bathrooms. Some days you just want simplisticity: the awkward stare of some cis boy when he realizes that the gender-neutral bathrooms aren’t just for his Monday post-workout shits, and the comfortable splash of your own pee echoing off the single-stall walls. Heaven.
All right you potty kings, kweens and everything in betweens, you’re on your way to becoming toilet royalty! Be sure to tune in next week, when we release our Northwestern trans* guides on strategic towel placement after dorm showers and dealing with those pesky “I’m-from-a-different-generation” professors! Laters!
