Awkward! You started a game of Yahtzee that you found in your grandparents’ attic and now you’re locked in a deathmatch with Nana and PopPop.

Reporting by Elton Jon Bon Jovi

Visiting grandparents is always fun. You eat home-cooked meals, reminisce about childhood memories that you absolutely don’t remember, and pretend to appreciate the thirtieth knit sweater they’ve given you (even though you’ve explained that all you wanted was the new Playstation 5 so that the kids at school would want to come to your house for once and you could show that cock sucker Tommy Lawrence that you do have friends, you really do *deep exhale*). 

What you don’t expect is that asking Nana and PopPop to play a quick game of Yahtzee you found in the attic would end with a duel to the death. Now Gramps is calling you words that you don’t understand, but they’re definitely slurs. 

“I knew something was up when they got all quiet after I brought up the game, but I just kinda figured PopPop’s bladder was failing or something,” said local (now deceased) grandchild Timmy. “Next thing I know I’m hunched over two 3s and two 5s praying to god that this next roll gives me a full house, or else I'm pretty sure Nana is gonna bake me into a pie.”

“These damn anklebiters nowadays don't know shit about respect!” responded Archibald Butler, the grandfather in question. “Used to be in my day, you could throw back a couple malts, trick some local rabble rousers into a game of cursed Yahtzee, and then come home to a hot meal cooked by your beautiful wife. If that little asswipe knew what was good for him he’d have minded his own damn business and stayed out of PopPop’s shit, but nooooo. He just had to play Yahtzee. Now I'm the bad guy cause I scored the 35 bonus and consigned his soul to eternal damnation.” 

Archibald and his wife Helena are currently out on bail and seem confident in their ability to avoid jail time. “You don’t fuck around with Yahtzee, everyone knows that,” said Officer Pemberton when asked for comment on the situation. 

So please. For the love of god. Enjoy your hot cocoa, wear your itchy sweaters, and leave the board games in the attic.