6 Times I Have Had the Deepest Misfortune of Watching Two or More Turtles Have Sex

I am a good man. On the rarest of occasions that I have strayed from the path my Shepherd has laid before me, when I have sinned, I have been repentant. I am not a man of sinful pleasures, I get my joy from reading, from playing the cello, or from visiting the Zoo. Ah, the Zoo, that gorgeous gallery, where man can appreciate the work of his God in crafting animals of different and exotic shapes, colors, and locales. However, whenever I have gone to the Zoo in recent memory, I have seen two or more turtles having sex, to my growing chagrin. I feel that now it is my duty to report my findings. And so, it is with no pleasure I present to you 6 times I have watched two or more turtles have sex.

Freckles the Turtle and Delilah the Turtle (Bronx Zoo)

I was not quite sure what I was looking at when I first entered the Reptile House and rushed to see the small, adorable box turtles . “Why is that turtle trying to climb over the other turtle,” I asked myself, “Why can’t they go around?”. As I stared, perplexed, teenagers began to film the event. “These turtles are totally fucking, dude,” they said, laughing. I recoiled and my stomach turned slightly, in all of my years of zoo-going I had never seen such a thing, turtles fornicating.

Greta the Turtle and Vincent the Turtle (Lincoln Park Zoo)

How was I, an avid zoogoer, to know that only two months after my run in with Freckles and Delilah, my eyeballs would be confronted again with two turtles in the act of sex-having during my vacation in Chicago. It occurred to me that perhaps it is God’s will that I appreciate this act, this creation of new life from these two creatures of his design. This thought brought me peace, until I made eye contact with Vincent. As a low growl escaped his lungs, Vincent’s eyes rolled behind his head. I was captivated, I had never seen something so perverse, so wrong.

Cammy the Turtle and Charles the Turtle (Central Park Zoo)

It was foolish of me to return to the zoo, but I did not believe that God would allow Satan to put yet another pair of these carnal reptiles in front of my face, having sex with each other. As soon as I walked up to the turtle enclosure, I recognized the all too familiar sight of two turtles, specifically American snapping turtles, doing sinful acts in public. I can sometimes still hear the sound of their shells knocking against each other, at first slow, and then quicker, soon more quickly than I thought turtles were capable of, and then, again, slow, satisfied. I asked God for forgiveness, and swore to never return to the zoo.

Cleo the Sea Turtle and Ren the Sea Turtle (New York Aquarium)

With much hubris I entered the aquarium. “There are no turtles here,” I thought “Only fish, the most pure and chaste of God’s creatures, live here in the Aquarium”. I was mistaken. Two sea turtles, Cleo and Ren, swam by. At first, they danced together, and it was wonderful. “It is in the sea that turtles are not demon sex fiends, it is in the sea that they dance beautifully as God has intended them to.” As soon as the thought left my mind, Ren swam to Cleo, and began to furiously plunder her genitalia with his own. I collapsed in a weeping heap, and had to be escorted out by Aquarium security, who are the guardians of sin.

Gordon the Turtle and Hawk the Turtle (San Francisco Zoo)

6 years passed. For 72 months, I avoided the zoo. I had gotten married, my wife and I had two children. I was a different, better man. I had forgotten the image of turtle-sex. It had left my nightmares, it seemed as though the curse was gone. We had moved to San Francisco. At my wife’s insistence, I took my children to the zoo. My son, Gregory, immediately wanted to see the turtles. The immense anxiety and loathing I had was confirmed when my vision was assaulted with two musk turtles, both males, practicing sodomy. This was the worst yet, the most sinful. Gregory turned to me and said, “This is good, dad, two turtles having sex is a good thing and I am glad that I am seeing it”. I ran from the zoo in tears, begging God for mercy, for a relief from these Satan-worshipping, perverted, homosexual turtles. It is sin, it is unnatural, and I do not want any part in it.

76 Turtles Whose Names I Do Not Know (My Own Home)

I have abandoned my family. I had to. All Gregory would speak of was returning to the zoo. All Gregory wanted in life was more turtle sex. “Two turtles making love is the best thing, dad, for my developing young brain to feast on the visuals of. I love it, it is all that I love”. My days were filled with such sinful phrases. My younger son, Anthony’s, first words were “dad”. They were followed by, “Can we go to the Zoo, so I can see turtles fucking again?”. It was horrible. This was the breaking point for me. I fled my home. I changed my name. I moved to a small shed in Oregon. My family cannot find me here. The turtles cannot find me here, or so I thought. Today I have come home from chopping wood for fire to find that my home has been invaded by 76 turtles of different colors and different subspecies, every single one of them engaged in sins of the flesh in a gigantic, pulsating, writhing pile. Groans, chirps, moans, and screams filled the woods. I began to get lost in it. With my mouth agape, I could not stop staring. For forty five minutes, I watched, entranced, unable to look away. Then, I spoke. “I see now that I am unable to escape my fate. I will record what I have seen, and then I will tear my eyeballs from their sockets, such is my destiny.” And so, I have recorded my findings here, in this listicle. And so, I will go into the dark, and tear my eyeballs out of their sockets, never to see two turtles having sex again.