A Guide to Pretending You Understand and Enjoy Football

Football season is well underway and big games are quickly approaching. Perhaps a big professional rivalry is on this week, two NCAA conference leaders are squaring off on Saturday, or your high school’s homecoming game is just around the corner. Either way, if you’re NOT a football fan, you’ll probably still find yourself watching one of these games because all of your friends are, and you’ll have no idea what’s actually going on. I’m not going to bother trying to explain the game to you because chances are people have been trying for years, and you “just don’t get it.” So, here are some tips to help you figure your shit out and not embarrass yourself at the game.

1. Copy the crowd.

A good tactic is to sit by your best guy friend, and copy his reactions. For example, if he throws his hands in the air and screams “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING,” throw your hands in front of you and scream “NOOOOO.” If he seems really anxious and is saying “come on come on come on come on” in a quieter voice, emulate the anxiousness and say “let’s goooo.” Try to follow along with the cheers, chants and traditions specific to your team’s fan-base. The key here is being quick, and also not saying the exact same thing when not doing collective chants because people will catch on to you.

2. Research the team(s) beforehand.

So this is maybe a little more work than your lazy ass wants to put into this, but no one likes that annoying drunk at a game that doesn’t know ANY of the players’ names or ANYTHING about the team. You should at least know your team’s record, the “star” players and like one other interesting fact. If you want to be extra convincing, know these things about the other team, too.

3. Drink.

So this obviously isn’t feasible if you’re a high schooler or going to a high school football game. However, I don’t really care because you guys are insignificant. But this is pretty self-explanatory--if you want to have fun, alcohol makes everything better.

4. People watch.

You’re going to be surrounded by a fuck ton of dedicated, borderline psychotic fans. This is the time to enjoy watching people literally pull their hair out when the game is close, see the reaction after a person kisses the random stranger next to them after the team scores, heckle players from the other team, and literally everything in between. Die-hard fans of any sport act like their life depends on their team winning this game, and when you separate yourself from those feelings and just watch other people, it is the funniest thing you will ever see.

5. Choose football-savvy friends to sit by.

Basically, your friends probably already know that you don’t know much about football or that you don’t like watching it. Or both. Anyway, they’ll most likely be a little bit concerned with whether you’re having fun, and answer questions you have about what’s going on, as long as you aren’t obnoxious about asking and don’t embarrass them.

Now off you go, my children, into the stands. Hopefully I have prevented you from making a complete ass of yourself.