If you’re anything like me, you simply have to wait for celebrity validation before going ahead with major life decisions, which is why I own nine George Foreman grills and six bottles of Spirit: Antonio Banderas cologne. Thus, come election season, I stand proudly with those beautiful, mythical dipshits that are the undecided voters until I receive word from my favorite stars on who should be the leader of this great land. As Gretchen Wieners and Cady Heron once discussed: Gretchen: I mean, you wouldn’t buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looked good on you.
Cady: I wouldn’t?
Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it’s the same with presidents. Like, you may think you like someone, but YOU COULD BE WRONG.
As we are all bound by, like, the rules of feminism to Gretchen’s code, I saved you the trouble of researching celeb endorsements to help you make an informed decision. The results were shocking. I may have thought that I liked Obama, but based on this list, I WAS WRONG. Without further adieu, your guide to the top celebrity endorsements that are guaranteed to make Willard Mitt Romney the next President:
Lindsay Lohan
My gurl LiLo, Cady Heron herself, apparently took Gretchen’s rules to heart when she announced last month that she would be supporting Romney, stating “I think unemployment is very important for now.” Ugh, if only that kooky communist Obama wasn’t in the White House these past four years, Lindz wouldn’t be so unemployed all of the time!! Wait, what’s that? She’s been to rehab five times and may or may not be a klepto or a crackhead (say crack again CRACK)? Nope, that can’t be it. THNX 4 DENYING US MORE LINDSAY, OBAMACARE!
Chuck Norris
The king of direct-to-video action movies and subject of a million jokes that weren’t even funny in middle school when literally no one is actually funny, Chuck Norris, is a staunch conservative who released this video in support of Mitt, warning that a second term of Obama would usher in “1,000 years of darkness.” I hadn’t considered just how serious the old “Once you go black…” rule was until Chuck put it this way, but now that I’m aware, there’s no going back. Scary stuff indeed. Romney 2012!
Meat Loaf
From the time that I first LOLed at his name in preschool (but it’s a FOOD!!), I have been a big fan of Mr. Loaf’s work. Hence, I was overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of Meat and Mitt sharing a stage in Ohio and belting “America the Beautiful” like they were the writers at the Ave plus Morty and it was TSwift. I was even more swayed by the Loaf’s endorsement speech: “The other night when President Barack Obama, God bless him, said to Mitt Romney, ‘The Cold War is over.’ I have never heard such a thing in my life.” Meat is ON TARGET here, I mean when will the liberal media stop covering for Obama and shed some light on the past 21 years of the Cold War that we haven’t been paying attention to?? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE??
Kid Rock
Like many Americans, I wondered how Kid could ever outdo himself after making a sex tape with four groupies and Scott Stapp from Creed (but actually this happened look it up. The story not the video. Well whatever you want actually no judgment from the Ave). Luckily, Mr. Rock (Kid, not Chris) was able to replace Stapp with another guy who scores off the charts with the nation’s white douchebags, Paul Ryan, and the result was this amazing, amazing piece of memorabilia (hint hint I’m open to early Christmas presents).
Jenna Jameson
Many Republicans have tried and failed to develop a cohesive message that will appeal to the American people, but porn icon Jenna Jameson nailed it (UP-TOP!) in her August endorsement of Romney, declaring, “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.” There are any number of sexual puns that could be made here, but I feel that “Jenna Jameson endorses Romney” pretty much speaks for itself. Also, who knew that Jenna Jameson had some Republican in her, amirite? Ok done now.
As you can see, we have some real heavyweights behind the Romney-Ryan ticket this year. When you combine the sheer wattage of star power that I have listed above with other such prestigious Romney endorsers as Hulk Hogan, Gene Simmons, Ted Nugent, Clint Eastwood and his Chair, The Naked Cowboy from Times Square, Dionne from Clueless, and Chachi from Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, the choice is clear, America. When you all step into that voting booth, keep these endorsements in mind. They represent all that we can achieve in Mitt Romney’s America. And give credit to Mitt for assembling the jankiest, most mesmerizing, and most heinous batch of trainwrecks that any one man has ever attracted. He has certainly proven himself worthy of their support. Now go forth and vote, America. You do NOT want to let any of these stars down. Especially Lindsay, she is in a very fragile place in her life. Seriously someone help her.
-Charleston Nippleberry