A Line-By-Line Analysis of Kidz Bop's "Thrift Shop"

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSroGlkmXQE] If you are an avid Sherman Ave reader, then you likely have seen our line by line analysis of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis's chart topping hit “Thrift Shop." Or if you are a casual reader you have probably seen the article too--it's our most viewed article of all time, which just speaks to how fantastic the song is.

Thrift Shop has achieved many firsts in terms of its chart performanc. It was the second ever independent song at number one and held that place for 6 weeks, and its reign would have lasted into perpetuity were it not knocked down halfway through its tenure by the Harlem Shake, because apparently Youtube clips of a song count towards a song's total plays. But really have you listened to more than 30 seconds of Harlem Shake? If you have then you definitely didn't do it a second time. That song sucks.

How could we as a society commemorate a song that brought irony to the forefront of the mainstream, that brought a generation together through identifying with a culture it doesn't really understand, that pissed off your friends from Seattle cause they knew about it when it came out (that was back in last August. When Todd Akin was still culturally relevant). How do we honor it? We better Kidz Bop this mothafucka.

"What what what what...

So here we see the first change – Kidz Bop realizes that this song is going to suck, so they decide to make every other line a different note. 'Cause they can do it better than Macklemore.

I'm gonna rock some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket

I don't understand why you have to change “pop some tags” to “rock some tags.” I checked urban dictionary to see if there was something I was missing, but there isn't. It just means taking the tags off of the clothes after buying them. So now we just leave them on? I guess Kidz Bop is trying to teach children not to remove tags in case they want to make returns. But you usually can't return things to a thrift shop.

I'm, I'm, I'm hunting, looking for a come up, this is really awesome

Ok, good call here KB, let's remove “fucking." No complaints.

Now walk into the club like "What up?! I got a hit song!"

A club? Like for children? Like this?

If you walk in there and yell “I got a hit song” you won't have any friends there, then none when you go on to middle school and high school then you will end up at Northwestern where you will end up writing for Sherman Ave. It's a dark path. Also this line doesn't rhyme even kind of.

I'm so pumped, I bought some clothes from the thrift shop Ice on the fringe is so so frosty

You could be a bit more creative than saying 'so so frosty.' Basic creative writing education says to not use the same word twice in a row. It's just bad writing.

The people like “Hey, the guy on the marquee!”

What? So we are in this kids club, and everyone is excited about the fictional child because he is on the marquee? Of the kids club? Even if it was a real club and you were a real band (lol nope) then you wouldn't be listed by name on the marquee. Do you guys even know what a marquee is? YOU AREN'T FAMOUS YOU LITTLE SHITS.

Rolling in super deep, headed to the mezzanine Dressed in all pink except my gator shoes, those are green Draped in a leopard mink, girl standing next to me Probably should've washed this, smells like my baseball cleats

Ok so now it seems like they are at some sort of theater... but they are wearing a leopard mink that smells like baseball cleats? You know you can't wash a mink, right? Also what's up with the sexual themes not being censored?

(Ewwwwww...) But hey, it was 99 cents!

Ok this is where I lost my shit. Ewwwwwww? That's a replacement for saying pisssss? Just say nothing. It would be so much simpler and less destructive.

Bag it, poppin' it, washin' it, ‘bout to go and get some compliments Passing up on those moccasins someone else has been walking in Bummy and grungy, wear it man, I am stunting and flossing and Saving my money and I’m super happy, that’s a bargain, yeah

This kid rapping from bummy and grungy onwards has no sense of rhythm. At all. He sounds like if Prince Giblets tried to rap. I would know, I lived with him freshman year.

I’ma take your grandpa's style, I’ma take your grandpa's style No for real, ask your grandpa, "Can I have his hand-me-downs?" (Thank you!)

You wouldn't fit in my grandpa's clothes, you are a child.

Velour jumpsuit and some house slippers Chocolate brown leather jacket that I found digging

So we can't say “Dookie brown leather jacket”? It's for kids, they fucking love poop.

They had a broken keyboard, I bought a broken keyboard I bought an old blanket, then I bought a knee board

This would be a great opportunity to introduce kids to the wonder that is a skeet blanket. Do you know how much easier my life could have been if I had known this was a thing?

Hello, hello, my ace man, my fellow John Wayne ain’t got nothing on my fringe game, oh no

Again Kidz Bop decides to sing a rap line. It's so easy, KB: stop changing things for no reason. Also this girl totally thinks she is Beyoncé.

I could take some Pro Wings, make them cool, sell those The sneaker heads would be like “Ah, he got the Velcros”

See if you are the age of these singers (I'm guessing around 13ish), then it would be really depressing if you were still wearing Velcro sneakers. Again, this is a path that will lead you to becoming a Sherman Ave writer.

I'm gonna rock some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket I'm, I'm, I'm hunting, looking for a come up, this is really awesome (x2)

Maybe it's just me, but isn't twenty dollars a lot of money to have as a kid? And they are going to spend it on clothes? What happened to candy/toys/video games? Has being a kid really changed that much?

What you know about rocking a wolf on your noggin? What you knowing about wearing a fur fox skin?

I don't know what most children know about wearing fur, but this girl knows everything about it:

I’m digging, I’m digging, I’m searching right through that luggage One man’s trash, that’s another man’s come up Thank your granddad for donating that plaid button- Up shirt, cause right now, I’m up in here stuntin' I’m at the Goodwill, you can find me in the bins I’m not, I’m not stuck on searchin' in that section (Mens) Your grammy, your aunty, your momma, your mammy I’ll take those flannel zebra jammies, second hand and I’ll rock that like it's awesome The built-in onesie with the socks on that really awesome I hit the party and they stop because I'm really awesome

Ok so here is another textbook example of bad writing. Even a third grade teacher would call bullshit on these empty words. 'Really' and 'awesome' are about as meaningless as attendance policies that don't affect your grade.

They be like “Oh that Gucci, that’s really tight” I’m like “Yo, that’s fifty dollars for a t-shirt”

Kids wearing Gucci? What better way is there to guarantee your getting the shit beaten out of you?

Limited edition, let’s do some simple addition Fifty dollars for a t-shirt, that’s just silly overpriced

Silly overpriced.

I call that getting swindled and tricked, yeah I call that getting tricked by business

So we addressed that repeating words is a bad idea. What is worse? Repeating words in consecutive sentences that have the exact same form. Let's take a look at this:

So both sentences have the same subject, verb, and indirect object. In the direct object clause, the participle is the same, and tricked is the direct object of that participle in both sentences. So basically Kidz Bop is saying the same thing and stupid. The lyrics are saying the same thing as the last sentence, just like the last two sentences of this paragraph.

That shirt’s really dough And having the same one as six other people in this club is a major don’t

Peep game, come take a look through my telescope Trying to get girls from a brand? Man you really won’t, man you really won't

Are these kids old enough to be tryna?

Goodwill! Rocking Tags!

This line was definitely sung by the boy (or girl, I honestly have no clue) in this:

I'm gonna rock some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket I'm, I'm, I'm hunting, looking for a come up, this is really awesome

I wear your granddad's clothes, I look incredible I’m in this real big coat from that thrift shop down the road

I wear your granddad's clothes, (that's right) I look incredible (come on) I’m in this real big coat (real big coat) from that thrift shop down the road

The bridge goes over much better the second time because of the added response in the background. A very necessary addition.

I'm gonna rock some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket I'm, I'm, I'm hunting, looking for a come up, this is really awesome

Is that your grandma's coat?

So we can talk about how this kid is obviously stoned out of his mind, but what's more disturbing is the weird grunt at the very end of the song. What you may not know is that it is the sound of the singer flinching after being threatened by the Kidz Bop CEO. They beat the children. Fuckin' Kidz Bop.