A Loud, Incoherent Review of The Raid 2 (Spring's Manliest Movie)
THE RAID 2 BY GARETH EVANS IS THE BEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN SINCE I FOUND THE SEX TAPES THAT MY MOM MADE WITH PEOPLE THAT AREN'T MY DAD. WATCHING THE RAID 2 IS LIKE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS, CONSTANTLY, IN AN EMPTY ROOM, UNTIL YOU DIE. AT TIMES, WATCHING THE RAID 2 IS LIKE DRIVING A NEW MERCEDES BENZ STRAIGHT AT A BRICK WALL AT 120 MILES PER HOUR, SURVIVING, AND DOING IT AGAIN AS SOON AS YOU GET OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. MOST OF THE TIME HOWEVER, WATCHING THE RAID 2 IS LIKE INJECTING A NEEDLE FULL OF ADRENALINE STRAIGHT INTO YOUR HEART, BECAUSE YOU WERE BORED AND A FRIEND BET YOU TEN DOLLARS YOU COULDN'T DO IT. THE RAID 2 IS LESS LIKE A WET DREAM, AND MORE LIKE AN EROTIC NIGHTMARE, EXCEPT IN THIS ONE YOU DON'T GET TO WAKE UP BEFORE YOU MOTORBOAT YOUR TEACHER'S TITS. SOMETIMES, THE RAID 2 TURNS DOWN THE VIOLENCE, HOWEVER THIS ONLY SERVES TO HEIGHTEN THE LATER BRUTALITY, LIKE TURNING DOWN THE MUSIC IN YOUR ROOM SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS HAVE ANGRY SEX. FOR SOME PEOPLE, WATCHING THE RAID 2 WILL CAUSE HAIR TO GROW ON THEIR CHEST. FOR MOST PEOPLE, WATCHING THE RAID 2 WILL CAUSE HAIR TO GROW ON THEIR ENTIRE BODY, UNTIL THEY ARE SUFFOCATED BY THEIR OWN HAIR AND DIE. STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THAT WATCHING THE RAID 2 CAN QUINTUPLE YOUR RISK OF DYING BY SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION.
THE CHOREOGRAPHY IN THE RAID 2 IS LIKE A BALLET WHERE ALL THE DANCERS HAVE RAZORBLADES ATTACHED TO THEIR TUTUS. THE CINEMATOGRAPHY IN THE RAID 2 IS LIKE A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS OF ROTTING CORPSES IN THE MIDDLE OF BEAUTIFUL IDYLLIC LANDSCAPES. THE SOUND DESIGN OF THE RAID 2 IS LIKE LISTENING TO A RECORDING OF YOUR OWN MURDER. IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN GOD, WATCHING THE RAID 2 WILL MAKE YOU BELIEVE IN GOD. IF YOU ALREADY BELIEVE IN GOD, WATCHING THE RAID 2 WILL MAKE YOU AN ATHEIST. EITHER WAY WATCHING THE RAID 2 WILL MAKE YOU GO TO HELL.
WATCHING THE RAID 2 WILL GIVE YOU AN INTENSE URGE TO FEED YOUR FAMILY. TO A LION. FOR MANY PEOPLE, AFTER WATCHING THE RAID 2, THEY WILL FALL UNCONSCIOUS, AND AWAKEN HOURS LATER IN A FIELD, COVERED IN BLOOD, SPEAKING A LANGUAGE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SPOKEN BEFORE ON THIS EARTH. ULTIMATELY, WATCHING THE RAID 2 IS LIKE RECEIVING A BEAUTIFUL HANDWRITTEN LETTER FROM YOUR FAVORITE GRANDMOTHER, ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE LOVES YOU, AND HOW PROUD SHE IS OF THE PERSON YOU BECOME, AND THE FEELING OF TRULY BEING LOVED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE, BEFORE YOU DISCOVER THAT THE LETTER WAS COATED IN ANTHRAX.
WATCH THIS MOVIE.
