A Review of the Dumbest States in America

We live in the greatest country in the world. Why, you ask? Because fuck you, that’s why Mr. Hypothetical Man who would dare doubt that the United States is the best country to exist anywhere in the history of everything. See that? That’s American Democracy and Freedom in action. I think I’ve proven my point. Anyhow, I’m not here to discuss my patriotism. I’m not here to talk about the fact that I had my penis tattooed to look like the Washington Monument. And I’m certainly not here to discuss the time when Ross Packingham and I did two consecutive power-hours with Bill Clinton and Bruce Springsteen in the Oval Office. I’m here to talk about one thing and one thing only: Fuck France. Wait…No? I’m not here to talk about the fact that the French are the taint of the world? Really? But, we all know they are, right? Yeah? Okay then we’re good.

Okay, so apparently I’m here to talk about the dumbest states in America. Fine. You get off easy this time, you Parisian bastards.

Anyhow, even though America is the best country in the world, there are certainly some streak marks on the clean underwear that is the United States. I’m not saying the South should have seceded, I’m saying the South should have seceded (see what I did there? I can do that because this is America and fuck everyone else. God Bless this country!). However, though the South is the birthplace of stupidity, there are some students of Southern thinking that have surpassed the teacher. Here are the three largest hubs of fuckery in the United States:

3. Alaska Listen guys, I’m all for taking things from Canada that are rightfully theirs. In fact, one of my favorite hobbies is stealing things from Canada. I have a hockey stick, a barrel of maple syrup, and five moose in my closet to prove it. However, Alaska is one possession that I think belongs in the hands of those loveable losers.

You don’t think Canadians are losers? They don’t pay for healthcare. You don’t think those two things are related?

So anyhow, Canadians are losers – and so are Alaskans. Listen, I love snow as much as the next guy. I annually celebrate the day the freezing temperatures cause my testicles to recede into my body…like the French during a war (you fucks didn’t think I’d let you get away that easily, did you?). However, Alaska is just terrible – plain and simple.

Only Important Point: Sarah Palin. Only Alaska could produce this special brand of stupid. I mean, there’s stupid and then there’s “I don’t read because I’m busy shooting animals from a helicopter while looking for Russia as I have sex using a real bear-skin condom fantasizing about segregation” stupid. If your state is dumb enough to let Sarah Palin tell you what to do, you’re pretty fucking stupid.

2. Mississippi Let’s start with the obvious: the state name is 11 characters long, and only uses four letters from the alphabet. That’s like if you gave me a house and ten different colors of paint, and then told me I could paint the house however I wanted. You suggested I use at least five of the colors, but nothing was mandatory. Then, I decided to defecate and wiped my feces on the wall. That’s what I think when I think Mississippi: a house covered in shit.

However, their name isn’t the only thing dumb about them -- not by a long shot. Mississippi, in addition to being a shithouse, is one of the fattest states in the nation. Nothing against fat people, but if your idea of a carnival snack is deep-fried fried butter (that’s not a typo, that’s a crime against humanity), you should probably just start injecting nacho cheese into your bloodstream.

1. Arizona I’m going to be honest here: this wasn’t even a competition. This is like a “Who’s the Blackest President?” competition. You can joke and pretend there’s not just one answer, but we all know the truth (It’s William McKinley). For those unaware of Arizona’s crimes against all intelligent thought, here’s a brief rundown:

-Martin Luther King Jr. Day: Martin Luther King Jr. was one of the most important and helpful figures to exist in American history. Making his birthday a national holiday should be a non-issue, right? Not if you’re Arizona. Yep, Arizona decided, on multiple occasions, that it did not want to honor Martin Luther King Jr. Day. And though you may think Arizona eventually came to the logical conclusion and realized MLK Day is a legitimate holiday, since it is celebrated there now – you’d be sadly mistaken. That type of idea is smart, and smart doesn’t fly in Arizona. No, to accept Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Arizona had to be threatened with never hosting the Super Bowl. That’s right. The only problem Arizona had with blatant racism is that it interfered with watching playoff football. I don’t have any more words for this. I don’t have a joke. Just let this actual fact sink in for a few minutes.

-SB 1070: Now that you’re done cleaning up whatever item you viciously threw at the wall, be ready to want to punch everybody. I’m sure most people have heard of Arizona’s recent immigration law, known as SB 1070, but for those who haven’t here’s a quick summary: The law requires that police check the identification of any person who they have “reasonable suspicion” of the person committing a crime. That doesn’t sound so bad. However, the law also makes it a crime to be an illegal immigrant in Arizona. Now let’s connect the dots: police can commander people who they believe may be guilty of a crime. Being an illegal immigrant is a crime. Well now, doesn’t that sound like police can interrogate you if they think you may be illegal? I may be from Arizona, but I’m not so stupid that I don’t understand that (though I can’t do algebra). That’s like if I told you I can arrest you if I think you committed a crime, then I make looking like you reason for thinking you committed a crime. I can’t think of any actual analogies for this because this is the dumbest possible situation possible.

-Arizona Says You’re All Pregnant: Did you know you’re already pregnant? You are in Arizona. In Arizona, pregnancy starts at the end of your last menstrual cycle. Though this concept has been used for dating the conception of children, due to the uncertainty of pregnancy tests, it has never been used for law, BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING STUPID! WHAT THE FUCK ARIZONA! WHY IS EVERYONE PREGNANT!?!? WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB?????? DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!

Well there they are – the dumbest states in the country. I hope you’ve enjoyed this as much as I’ve hated thinking about this. I’m never thinking about anything ever again.