Well it’s that time of year again. The time where you get to spend time with those members of your extended family who you secretly despise, and slowly commit a food-induced suicide attempt as you eat three times your body weight in stuffing and cranberry sauce. However, just because you find yourself in that sweet, sweet afterglow that only animalistic sex comfort food can bring, does not mean that the other dangers of the world have gone away. I am talking, of course, about the ever-present possibility of a Zombie apocalypse.
Look at the world around us: medical science has made leaps and bounds over the past few decades. Hell, penicillin was discovered less than a century ago, and already we are sucking the fat out of people and shooting down tumors with radiation guns.
Now consider the fact that tensions between nations have been growing increasingly hostile, and that the worlds’ economy seems to be headed towards an inevitable collapse, and it is easy to picture at least one country having a secret program meant to create a super-virus to wipe out its enemies that will inevitably go awry and start a Zombie plague (my money is on Papua New Guinea).
But do not fear my friends! I am here to help you be prepared for the coming hordes of flesh eating undead, with a few thanksgiving tips and tricks!
1. Choose your seat well:
When the time comes for gathering around that wonderful feast, seating choice is of course influenced primarily by gluttony. Really, your only concern is likely to be “where can I sit such that I have the best access to the largest variety of food options?” This thinking will inevitably lead to the center of the table. However, consider this: at any moment during the meal, a horrific, virus-infected fiend could smash through your window and attack you and your loved ones at the table. If when this happens, do you really want to be sandwiched between your disturbingly obese Uncle and your wheelchair-bound and slightly senile grandmother? Guess what? That red stain on the placemat ain’t spilled cranberry sauce, it’s your blood! That middle-of-the-table seat is now a death trap!
Think ahead! When you enter the dining room, look around! Find your exits! Get the seat at the end of the table, or next to the smallest and youngest family members. That way, when the zombies come, you can use them as a human shield.
2. Dress appropriately:
I know that it is your natural instinct to wear extremely loose fitting clothing on Thanksgiving so that when you shove the caloric equivalent of the Hindenburg down that gravy-splattered gaping maw you call a mouth, you don’t find yourself bursting out of your favorite Skinny Jeans. Luckily, those stretch pants are going to serve double-duty in the zombie apocalypse. The freedom of movement that comes with loose clothes is going to be a lifesaver when you need to make a quick escape. That said, you don’t want to be too casual. Flip-flops are a definite no-no! Instead, consider wearing a good pear of sneakers, or, better yet, some nice steel-toe boots. That way, when you are stomping in the face of your recently-zombified second cousin, you don’t get his gross brain stuff all over your bare feet.
3. Find a weapon:
Now I know your first instinct when you see an approaching army of the undead is to run, but that is a rookie move. Sure, you may get a solid head start, but the moment that you find yourself cornered in a nearby alleyway, you’re dessert! Instead, take a moment to grab something that you can use to defend yourself. Remember those samurai swords your step-dad keeps on the wall of the living room? Bet you thought he was a fucking idiot for buying those off of that cheesy infomercial last year, huh? Well, who’s laughing now?! Not him of course, because a zombie is pulling out his entrails, but you get the point. Now, if for some reason samurai swords are not readily available, then you may need to improvise. Be smart! It may be tempting to grab all of the knives from the place settings and start hurling them at the approaching horde, but let’s be honest: have you ever thrown a knife before? It is fucking hard! You will miss, and then you will be eaten. Instead, go for things that will be easy to handle. The pie server is a good choice, as its large, flat shape is ideal for beheading. Or, you can think outside the box. That turkey thermometer is perfect for jamming through the eye-socket and destroying the brain. Plus, it gives the added benefit of discovering the internal temperature of the zombies. After all, knowledge is power.
Even with all of these tips, I cannot guarantee your safety. At the end of the day, the only person who can keep you alive is yourself (or Milla Jovovich). Stay smart, stay alert, and have a happy and festive thanksgiving.