Ah, winter in Evanston. I can’t think of a more romantic time and place to be. You probably met a bunch of new people during fall quarter when it was possible to go outside and be social without getting frostbite and dying in a ditch by the side of the road. Odds are, you banged some of those people. That’s pretty rad, dude. Congrats.
But then the frigid death grip of winter tightens its hold around all of our lives, and we’re forced to meet certain base human requirements with people whose numbers are in our phone. Of course, I’m talking about The Booty Call.
So how does one make sure they’re accurately conveying, in piss drunk-text form, the kind of wanton lust that so strikes us in these situations? It can be difficult to navigate, so I’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of the 10 most classic booty call texts of all time, complete with an analysis of each. Happy hunting.
1) “Where u at”
This is the Michael Jordan of booty calls. What a classic method of acquiring the relevant information you’re looking for: 1) Is this person conscious? If he/she responds, clearly they are. Check. 2) They will then, in theory, respond with their location, which is obviously important because it lets you know how far away your penis/vagina is from his/her penis/vagina.
2) “Are you awake?”
Because that’s all you really care about, honestly.
3) “Hey(yyyy)”
The beauty of this booty call text is plausible deniability. If it’s a long shot that you’re gonna find your way into this person’s bed, it’s a safe exploratory text with so many easy outs. Say things go poorly. “Uh, yeah I just wanted to say hey. BYE.” The issue arises when you start adding the extraneous Ys. You know what that means, and I know what that means.
4) “I’m bored. Wanna have sex?”
If you’re comfortable enough with someone, why beat around the bush? (haHA) There’s no reason to get vulgar and send, “I’m drunk let’s fuck.” But this is a perfectly reasonable explanation of what’s going on: you currently are not having sex. Would the other person like to have sex?
5) “Drunkkkkk”
Nothing says, “I’m wasted and horny, please come fuck me right now thx c u s00n” quite like that many Ks.
6) “Cum over”
You know exactly what you’re doing right there. It’s shameless. That is the world’s most obvious double entendre/sexual innuendo. Jesus Christ, Marie. At least make the other person work for it A LITTLE BIT.
7) “I know you’ve been thinking about me.”
You’re wasted. It’s 2 AM. You’ve just struck out three times at the Deuce with people at least two grades below you. So naturally you’re feeling a little confident. But that’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for him.
8) “I’m outside your apartment and I’m not going to leave until you let me in.”
Well that’s one way to do it, I guess.
9) “Whatchu up to?”
“You know, cause I was gonna see if you wanted to hang out! Just chill and hang out. Maybe watch season 5 of Archer in my bed. But we’d have to keep the door closed so we don’t disturb my roommates.”
10) TEXT AT 3 AM: “What are your plans tonight?”
Are you fucking kidding me? What do you mean “what are my plans?” It’s 3 AM. My plans no longer “are.” My plans “were,” and now I’m tryna go the fuck to sleep. What’s that? So I’m in my bed? Yeah. Yeah I am. Cum over, I’ll see you in 10.
