Dearest Newsfeed,
We’ve been through a lot together. You’ve seen me at my darkest hours. Those hours when the juices of procrastination were oozing out my every pore and my soul was the emaciated shell of an empty Red Bull can. You’ve been by my side for many excellent decisions, such as when I drunkenly chatted my middle-school boyfriend “just to say hey.” We even took Stats 202 together.
You get me. You know that when I say “hide from newsfeed,” it means I’m sick of seeing that kid’s damn face or hearing about that girl’s stupid day. You’ve molded to my desires like a memory-foam mattress. You know what statuses I’m going to “like,” because I do, in fact, like them. When my best friend adds a new photo, you make damn sure I see it.
You share with me the things that you think are important. That status got more than 100 “likes,” so you swiftly brought it to my attention. Dance Marathon happened. You made sure that I was in the loop about that. You even tell me what other people are talking about, because it matters to you that I know what is going on in the world. I thank you for your guidance, because without you there is absolutely no way I could obtain this information.
Sometimes we get intimate. You know all about my past. In 2008, I posted a status with the lyrics “dark blue, dark blue, have you ever been alone in a crowded room?” You make it so any one of my acquaintances can find this angst-ridden update. Just think of all the lives we’ve enriched.
Most importantly, you’re my number one fan. Hell yeah I just ate a burrito bowl in a park on a sunny day. There’s nothing like #ChipotleSundays when #SpringHasArrived. Every time someone “likes” this status, you give me a little high five. Thanks, man. This is the age of self-celebration and you are my loudest cheerleader.
Sweetest newsfeed, you are my rock. My most dependable comrade. I didn’t go to that party because I wasn’t invited, but you almost made me feel like I was there. I spent Valentine’s Day watching Full House on the elliptical, but I didn’t feel lonely because you highlighted all of my single friends’ #foreveralone statuses.
Trusted omnipotent narrator, you are my everything. I have no idea how I existed before you came into my life. Without you I would plunge into irrelevance, but with you by my side we can conquer the world.
