Battle of the DUPILF’s

People of the 49 awesome states of this nation: America is at a crossroads. She is a nation faced with war, debt, Justin Bieber, and a failing education system. So I think the time for silence is over. I have come up with a detailed, one-prong plan to save this great nation, and I humbly share it with you now: a cage match between Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. Srsly guyz, why has this not happened yet!?

The need for this battle should be obvious, but just for shits and giggles (or just plain giggles for the ladies out there, since we all know girls don’t poop) I’ll explain exactly why America will fall to her knees and be annexed by Jamaica if this does not happen soon.

First, they’re both completely, absurdly, aggressively batshit crazy. Like, literally. Whenever either one of these women speak, it’s as if they recorded the inane ramblings of a sleeping lunatic, added a few bullet points, and then called them talking points. Just for a quick reminder: Michele Bachmann has called for an investigation into which members of Congress are anti-America, she has stated that not one study has found carbon dioxide to be dangerous, she has claimed that the Founding Fathers were opposed to slavery (and I swurr they were! Like at least 3/5ths of the time!), and she said that Terri Schiavo was a perfectly healthy human being. Meanwhile, Saint Sarah of Wasilla has claimed that Putin likes to fly over Alaska, that Obama wanted to kill babies with death panels by allowing insurance plans to cover doctor’s visits for terminally ill patients, that she reads all the newspapers everywhere so just shut up guys, and that refudiate is a word. Bottom line: their combined craziness would make for one of the most epic and deranged cage matches in human history. Think a feral leopard meets Gollum. I know. Take a breath and calm down. I have more.

Secondly, they have pretended to love each other for long enough. Palin campaigned for Michele in 2010, while Bachman wets herself over Palin’s super-duper world vision every other night on pretty much any channel that will let her open her yapper. We all know this is fake. I’ve seen Mean Girls. Many, MANY times. And honestly, I’ve never seen a politician do as terrific of a Regina George/Gretchen Wieners impression as these two first ladies of crazy have done for the last year and a half. So I know that inside, they’re both imagining maniacally screaming “you can’t sit with us!” at the other. Let’s give them the chance to let those feelings out in a healthy, not to mention awesome, way ASAP.

Third, both of them are pretty much Canadian. I have nothing against Minnesota or Alaska, but when our Canadian overlords start demanding territory in exchange for the copious amounts of prescription drugs we’re stealing, I’m pretty sure I’ll give them Minnesota and Alaska in a heartbeat. Hell, they can have North Dakota for free. Most worthless state. The other 47 are so much better. But I digress. The bottom line is that America is simply not ready for two semi-Canadian politicians on the national stage.

Which brings us to the fourth reason that we need this cage match: they’re both running for President. Last month, Bachmann pretty much confirmed her presidential aspirations with a literal trip to Iowa and power trip after the State of the Union. Meanwhile, good 'ole Sarah Pee has been running for Supreme Dictator since August of 2008. And while a primary might have satisfied our need to pick a winner in like 2010, primaries are just another way the government is ramming their ideas down our unsuspecting throats, amiriteteaparty?! We need something a little more grass roots, something a little more violent. In short, we need a cage match.

Finally, they’re both pretty damn hot. I think we’ve all had those dreams where Michele Bachmann suddenly shows up wearing less than enough clothes (but actually…). It just happens. And S-Piddy isn’t bad either. On a scale of Angela Merkel to Carla Bruni, I’d give her at least an Anne Hathaway and she could be verging on a Natalie Portman. All in all, I’d say both women are complete DUPILF’s (Dangerously Unstable Politicians I’d Like to Fuck). A cage match would be mad chill, broseph.

So let’s get this done, America. There just isn’t enough room in this town for the both of them, and the only fair, respectable way to decide which DUPILF we’ll keep around is to lock them in a steel cage and see who comes out alive.

Get out in the streets people. Protest at your congressperson’s office. Create Facebook events. Do whatever it takes, just makes sure that this happens soon. As Michele and the Palinator tell us constantly, America is on the verge of destruction; this just might be the last best hope we have to bring this nation back from the brink of annihilation.

Godspeed.