At this afternoon's Political Union in the Northwestern University Norris Center, Evanston mayor Elizabeth "Lizzly the Grizzly" Tisdahl claimed that "closing down The Keg was one of the best things [she had] ever done." Needless to say, this inflammatory statement is an affront to any Northwestern student who has enjoyed an otherwise uneventful Monday night at The Keg - let alone the ETHS students who don't even have other viable outlets to hone their raging skills. This is the equivalent to Jimmy Carter taking proud ownership of the Iranian Hostage Crisis, or Creed taking proud ownership of their music. It also begs the question: If this is only one of the best things E-Tizzy has accomplished, then what would she consider to be some of the others?
- Shooting Bambi's mother, then turning Bambi's mother into venison, lacing it with arsenic, and sending it to starving children in Africa
- Injuring Jay Cutler, and also injecting him with Diabetes as a child
- Neutering Willie the Wildcat, forever preventing Northwestern from having a whole litter of adorable kitten mascots
- Insisting that Green Day's "American Idiot" album be played at every Evanston City Council meeting
- Convincing the CEO of Spotify that commercials really would improve the Spotify experience
- Setting up Avril Lavigne on a date with the lead singer of Nickelback
- Not intervening to prevent Northwestern from having 13 GODDAMN A CAPPELLA GROUPS
- Setting a quota on iPhone sales in Evanston, creating more iPhone-stealing incidents near campus for her to chuckle at
- Declining Adele's repeated requests to do a free concert on the Lakefill three times a week
- Not sharing her massive fucksaw collection with any of the sex-deprived engineers Northwestern students
- Screenwriting and directing Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III
- Inventing and implementing a standardized process for sorority rush at Northwestern
- Relocating the indigenous wild puppy population that once resided gleefully on Deering Field
- Prohibiting D&D Finer Foods from carrying Smirnoff Ices I MEAN SERIOUSLY DO I HAVE TO GO TO JEWEL JUST TO ICE MY GODDAMN ROOMMATE
