Breaking: There Are Other Fucking Ice Skating Rinks

EVANSTON, IL — After budget cuts cancelled plans for the return of Northwestern’s Norris Ice Rink, disappointed students were excited yet shocked to learn other ice skating rinks exist in other spots of the universe. The delayed realization is likely due the fact that most students who care about the rink don’t even like skating that much in the first place.

        The cancellation of the Norris rink was met with explosive complaints, with nearly every Jessica to ever take an Econ-class posting about it on Facebook. “Wow” reacts were common — across the board, even. A shift from response to action was felt in late November.

        “There was this one day where I was like, what if I just made an ice skating rink myself?” sophomore Brandon Livingston said, “And then I was like, wait, other people have for sure thought of this!”

        Livingston said he then used Google to search key words such as “ice” and “skating” and “rink.” He was excited to share the results with other students.

        “This is what those scientists in The Meg felt like when they realized there was a second Meg,” junior Jocelyn Estrella said. “The Meg is a shark movie. I liked it a bunch.”

        The news of other ice rinks in the Chicago area and literally everywhere else on Earth has been a revelation to many students. Not that any of them are actually taking advantage of these rinks, and not that they ever really used the Norris one anyway.

Now that the ice skating rink issue is partially resolved, it is possible students will turn their heads to other major budget-cut issues, such as the laying off of many long-time campus employees. But I mean, probably not.

Estrella finds the discovery hopeful, “I mean who knows, maybe next we’ll learn there are other lakes!”