Everything You Need to Know about Kevin, My Uber Driver

Should life bless you with the chance to take an Uber ride with Kevin - first off, congratulations because you probably did something fucking awesome to deserve this much good karma. Or you're just really lucky in which case you should take an Uber to go buy some lotto tickets. Anyways, as a former passenger in Kevin's car, here are some tips to make your ride more enjoyable. Kevin really has a lot to offer if you just get to know him (ride shotgun, it makes all the difference).

Name: Kevin

Hair color: Dust bunny-ish

Eye color: Brown

Hometown: That alley behind The Deuce

Age: 23

Occupation: Uber driver

Kevin turns his car into a tour bus, pointing out significant places from his childhood. For example, during my ride we passed a Best Buy that Kevin's mom used to take him to when he got As in school. According to Kevin, this didn't happen very often and he would usually get "a video game or something, except for that one time he splurged on a blender."

Kevin's musical interests vary. But DO NOT make the mistake of playing Taylor Swift because he will turn that shit off and blast Selena Gomez in retaliation.

Should Kevin get pulled over by the police (it happens to the best of us), try and keep him calm. He's not used to breaking the rules so just reassure him that all will be okay.

Kevin's personal life is a tricky one. He will occasionally make references to "his girl," but will never elaborate. And if you ask him questions about it, he will not "give out personal information." So just move on from this topic, and respect Kevin's privacy.

Major tip: bring coins. Kevin often makes the mistake of going through tolls that accept coins only. Again, nobody's perfect. But you don't want to be held up for an extra 10 minutes while Kevin fishes around for pennies. Just bring a couple quarters; you'll be glad you did.

Kevin likes candy. He even has some in the car for your enjoyment (although, maybe steer clear of that). If you're curious about his favorite candy bar, ask him. But don't reply with "Hmm, I've never heard of that" because he will get choked up talking about how it was discontinued in 2005. He will then complain about how he is forced to "conform to main stream candy bars like Twix." Seriously though this makes Kevin kind of emotional so speak at your own risk.

Kevin's an avid gift giver. One time he got his sister a sock. Just one sock. He laughs every time he talks about this. Maybe bring it up after the whole candy thing to cheer him up.

Finally, Kevin's dad has a cat named Fish. And that's just awesome.