Jul 7

Jul 7 Freshman Guide: The Facebook Group

A class Facebook Group is the amuse bouche of your college experience: you didn’t necessarily ask for it, but you’re glad it came to the table. Whether you want to know if anyone else likes The Weeknd or you’re looking for your dream freshmen roommate, let Sherman Ave tell you how make turn your FB group into a Rosetta Stone of knowledge. Who knows, maybe you’ll learn the new language of college fast enough to woo the (theoretical) Italian supermodel of your dreams!

Don’t Be Afraid to Post

Trust me, the people who post every day are the most popular people. I know what you are thinking, posting everyday could be “a little much.” But guess what? You’re wrong. It’s hardly enough. I would post upwards of 5 times a day at high traffic times. And make sure these optimized posts are personal. It’s funny and cool to share stories with upwards of a thousand strangers! From recounting how you got a little too drunk after prom to posting legal documents from your parents’ divorce, there’s nothing you shouldn’t post. Also, make sure you include a brief health bio after each of your posts so, if anything happens to you while you are doing your first keg stand or ripping some tight bong, everyone will know your insurance provider, your Social Security number, and any allergies you might have.

[Editor's Note: If you post ALL THE GODDAMN TIME, you just might get interviewed by Sherman Ave. like Jacob Jones was]

Put Yourself Out There

We both know that college is about more than partying, it’s also a great place to meet your soulmate! From roommate posts to GoT memes, the chance for romance is never ending. Keep trying to nab that special someone by using the “love” reaction on every post from someone you find attractive, regardless of what the post contains. Hottie wondering what size sheets they need to buy? Love it! Stud posting a link to their SoundCloud for their newest Kygo remix? Love it! Dreamboat needs $3,000 wired to them by the end of the weekend? Better go sign into PayPal, because you LOVE IT! It is never too early to cyber-flirt your way into a serious relationship before college. Do not relent on finding that one special person who will love you without ever meeting you in real life. Who knows! Maybe you could graduate with a BA and a marriage license!

Get A Little Mean

Trolling is cool. Everyone knows that. Be sure to make the most of this social media experience by letting your future friends know that you think Hillary Clinton looks like an old crone whose brittle bones are only being held together by the fraying polyester threads of her jewel-toned pantsuits. It’s an election year, baby! Get radical and make sure you let everyone know who you are voting for and why, if someone disagrees, don’t be afraid to threaten them and call them a soulless freak who will never have any friends. Bonus points: if anybody posts that they ended up choosing another school over Northwestern, write out a long, bitter reply comment that plays up any possible insecurity they might have about their future. No comment is too cruel for deserting scum like those nerds! No one is gonna Bowe Bergdahl you!

Network, Network, Network

After so much cyberbullying, you should definitely cool down by promoting yourself heavily. Get those connections going by sending a friend request to everyone in the group and then backstalking them to see how they can advance your career. Don’t be afraid to delve deeper with your Facebook web. There’s no shame in messaging mutual friends whether they be parents, cousins, or ex significant others about career building. Finally, when you return to post in your class Facebook group, make sure you write up a list every internship, summer job, skill, recommendation, and academic award you have ever won and pin that post in the group (If you’re not already an admin, you’re gonna need more than this list to help you). Remember: more you share about your work experiences and the special skills you can bring to the table, the closer you’ll be to landing your dream consulting job in four years!