Dear Illini,
Get Fucked.
Tomorrow is a momentous day for the State of Illinois. No, to our knowledge Oprah won't be returning her show to Chicago. And no, Rockford will not be ceded to Wisconsin. This Saturday marks something far more special: Northwestern's physical and mental obliteration of the Illinois Fighting Illini for the vaunted Land of Lincoln Trophy.
Everywhere across Illinois, from the soul-crushingly endless fields of corn to the soul-crushingly endless stretches of strip malls, Illinoisans are looking forward to the clash of two historically mediocre college football programs. And only one will be crowned champion of the Land of Lincoln, Corruption, and Suburban Sprawl.
It's time for the Illini to get fucked like, well, the actual Illiniwek tribes. Did nobody warn Chief Illiniwek about Northwestern's extensive experience with Native Americans?
And what the fuck is up with this "Land of Lincoln" Trophy shit? Who's the NCAA to say what counts as offensive to Native Americans, like the old Sweet Sioux Tomahawk Trophy? Do you know what trophy would constitute hostile and abusive imagery? A drilldo awarded to Chi Chi Ariguzo to have his way with Nathan Scheelhaase after tomorrow's beat-down. Or maybe a perfectly-coiffed Rod Blagojevich wig to adorn Kain Colter's head upon his victorious cock-slapping of the entire Illini defense.
Better yet, instead of the Non-Misappropriated Cultural Icon Trophy, why don't we just award the winning team with something that represents what being an Illinoisan is all about? Like a kid from Elgin saying he's from Chicago? Or a deep dish pizza? Or a gerrymandered congressional district?
Hey, I'm telling you, that seat is fucking gold.
Speaking of the Lincoln trophy, did you guys even have time to take a break from discussions regarding the proper farming techniques for soy crops over pitchers of Natty Ice at Kam's to see Lincoln? Don't worry, not only have we seen it, but we've already offered up a pretty bitching critique, if we do say so ourselves. Prepare to get fucked like the epistemologies of colonial intellectual discourse, amirite!?
Illinois football is probably the most embarrassing thing to come from this state since Ronald Reagan and Cheap Trick. But at least both of them could perform on the national stage.
You may have the hottest girls from our high school who didn't get into UW Madison, but you'll never take our pride. Or our claim to being Chicago's Big Ten Team. Michigan took that from us years ago.
Seriously, Illinois, how does it feel to be the Chicago Cubs of the Leader's Division, except with more empty seats?
Pat Fitgerald's defense is going to plague Illinois like they're bacteria in Lake Michigan. Venric Mark will cruise through your defense like a minivan driving down I-80. Ibraheim Campbell and Dan Vitale will make Tim Beckman look like the floater Ron Zook left in the locker room on his way out.
This one's for all the snide comments from neighbors asking why I didn't save my parents some money and go to U of I. And for that one time I sat in the miserable cold of Wrigley Field and watched you fuckers have your way with Evan Watkins. And for pride.
But mostly for the Non-Misappropriated Cultural Icon Trophy. Get Fucked Illini.
