It’s widely known that there is only one country in North America that matters. America[1]. All others are entirely irrelevant. This scientific fact has been proven time and again, during Olympics, world wars, and presumably obesity contests (we have the most mass, so we matter the most). However, there are other countries that we are unfortunately stuck sharing a continent with, and sadly, one of them is Canada.
Imagine that you were stuck in a never-ending Northwestern winter. Now imagine that in the middle of the snow, the only life you could see was a lonely moose jacking off. Also you routinely got hit in the face with hockey pucks, and your tears froze and turned into little balls of ice before they hit the ground. Oh, and in the background, Nickelback’s newest album played on an infinite repeat, only occasionally intercut by a song or two from Drake, the rapper who has singlehandedly infected over 39 women with syphilis. The situation I just described is pretty much what it’s like to live in Canada.
Firstly, Canada is known for hockey. Their national sport involves various large and drunk eastern European men bashing each other with sticks and fighting for a disc on ice. Occasionally they pummel each other for no apparent reason. What the fuck? Despite Canadian claims of ”originating” the sport of hockey, they actually stole it from Russia, which according to historian “Mittens” Romney, is our #1 enemy. So not only is Canada responsible for bringing the wretched sport here, it’s also collaborating with our enemies. It’s like the old saying: “Bring me hockey, shame on you; conspire with Russia, and why the fuck aren’t we invading Toronto already?”
Secondly, their national food is Maple Syrup. I don’t know about you, but I, like most normal people, don’t like drinking trees. I don’t swing that way; I don’t like putting liquid that comes from wood in my mouth. Yet that’s exactly what Canada shoves down the throats of the world. In Canada, maple syrup is required by law to be 66% sugar (which goes to show what Canada’s government is concerned with regulating useless shit, rather than helping fight Terrorism like REAL countries). Well thanks a lot for that, Canada. If I wanted to drink something terrible for me that would burn with sugar as it went down, I would just drink a Smirnoff Ice[2].
Then, there’s the music. Not only does Canada want us to “call them maybe”, but they have unleashed many terrors on the world. For one, Justin Bieber, or as I call him, “pussyface.” Then, Nickelback. Fucking…Nickelback. Baby, baby, baby…NO. Also, Cher. Anyone with a soul hates Cher.
Yet they get even worse. Canada is still sucking the metaphorical dick of England. England is not worth sucking up to (although Pippa Middleton definitely is[3]). They still have the queen on their (bizarrely multicolored) money! They could at least grow some balls and put Canadian flags on it, but no. Random-ass British people. Yet while Canada remains England’s little bitch, they are also French, which inherently makes them pussies. This fine line that they walk between kissing the ass of the English and being a pussy like the French makes them even more insufferable.
In short, there’s nothing more despicable than Canada. From the fact that they originated Nickelback, to their creation of hockey and maple syrup, to their creation of Nickelback[4] they truly are the shittiest and most pathetic excuse for a country on this entire planet. After all, as their national anthem says… “Oh Canada…goddamn it, why do I live in you? Fuck my life.”
[1] Techincally “the United States of America,” but since all other countries are irrelevant, America will here be used EXCLUSIVELY to refer to the U.S of motherfuckin’ A.
[2] Maple Syrup is one of the few things on earth that is even less healthy than Smirnoff Ice.
[3] Side note: Pippa, if you’re reading this…I love you. Please respond to my letters/e-mails/flyers I’ve tried to distribute around the UK.
[4] A crime so terrible I listed it twice.
