Miami, Fla.--The most recent celebrity case to hit the courts comes from Jack White, who is as much of one half of the White Stripes as Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh were equal parts of the Big 3. The creator of the song “Seven Nation Army” has come out publicly stating that the city of Miami is to cease and desist from chanting his song lest they be sued for a reported figure of $1.2 billion dollars.
“I feel like it’s going to be what ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ is to karaoke,” cringes White. “Everyone that isn’t included in the song wants to blow their fucking brains out.”
4-month Miami Heat fan Gianni Perez caught wind of the suit and was outraged. “Hey you dipshit. You can’t even own music Jack White. It’s 2013 and there’s Spotify!” exclaimed Perez. “Plus, nobody can stop Heat nation! This train is just gonna keep-” at which point Perez's sentence trailed off as he felt like it was probably time to head to his car and beat traffic.
The two parties most against White's threatened lawsuit are Alan Parsons and Eric Woolfson, the duo in charge of The Alan Parsons Project. “No one even knows that our song was a key component in making the 90’s Chicago Bulls an icon,” says Parsons. “You know that song that plays for when the Bulls lineup is introduced? YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME.” Woolfson went on to add, “You don’t see kids busting out their guitars, learning the riff to our dope-ass song, and saying ‘Look I’m Alan Parsons!’”
The trial is set to begin after GM Pat Riley and owner Micky Arison get back from celebrating for however long they fucking want to.
-Dali Booduh
