Norris Freenters Responsible for Ebola Hysteria in the US

Printing—at some point, every Northwestern student must do it. Between essays, response papers, problem sets, and flyers for your a cappella group, it’s an inevitability. It’s also an investment—10 cents per page printed, and that adds up, fast.

Unless you’re using Freenters.

Freenters, a new company designed to make printing easier on college campuses, states that their mission is to make printing free and accessible for students, in addition to suppling “coupons and discounts,” so that students can save money next time they, “eat out or go shopping!”^[1] Sounds Communist to me.

It’s so simple! Merely go onto their website, create a login, upload your document, sign in on the computer next to the printer in Norris, and print! For free! That’s five steps! That’s $0.00!

Sure. You buyin’ this?

Of course you’re not. (Because it’s too good to be true and also because it’s free.)

So what’s the catch? This “Freenter,” brand new, is sitting adjacent to the hulking, printing contraptions that have for months been eating up your 10 cents and getting jammed with your paper, 10 minutes before you have to turn it in. It’s too easy, too convenient, too suspicious. Here’s why:

Recent studies have found a direct correlation between printing with Freenters and a growing Ebola hysteria in the US. Every time you gain, someone somewhere loses (their reasoning skills and maybe a couple friends). How does this work? Math. Let me show you.

Sxy = Σxy - [(Σx)(Σy)]/n + cos^5(xy) + ln|q^4| + 0 + hey + ΣeΣyΣtan^2(x)

And those are the facts.

In layman’s terms, every time you print a document using the Freenter, someone, somewhere in the United States of America, begins exhibiting symptoms of a bad cold. These symptoms are immediately construed by said person as symptoms of the infectious disease, ebola, and after several minutes spent on WebMD, full hypochondriac hysteria is achieved. For each person made a victim of this hysteria-by-Freenter, three of their best friends will also catch the hysteria, and chaos and unnecessary quarantining will ensue.

So do your part—save a life of a person who’s going to sound super dumb saying they have ebola when they don’t and it’s an actual problem in Western Africa and all they have is a bad head cold. Think before you Freent.

^[1] https://www.freenters.com/public/about/about/ feast upon their schemes