Northwestern to Introduce Campus-Wide ‘Primal Cream’

EVANSTON, IL—Sources within the school administration have confirmed that beginning this upcoming finals week, Northwestern University will be introducing ‘Primal Cream,’ a school-sponsored, campus-wide orgasm to end all orgasms.

Similar to NU’s traditional ‘Primal Scream,’ Primal Cream will bring together anxious students preparing for final exams with the goal of reducing stress. However, instead of screaming at the top of their lungs like a bunch of goddamn sallies, the students will engage in an all-encompassing circle-jerk, which will end in each participant “creaming their pants” as one cohesive student body.

“A school-wide circle-jerk is something we’ve been really wanting to do for a long time,” says Northwestern president Morton Schapiro. “It’s a great way to bring our community closer together, while also blowing off some steam . . . and by blow I mean ‘jerk,’ and by steam I mean ‘dicks.’”

Primal Cream will kick-start a new university initiative aiming to convert Northwestern from a “dry” to a “wet” campus–– that is, from a “sexually-inactive” to a “sexually-active” campus.

“This is apparently the one thing Northwestern students really want,” added Schapiro. “After about the hundred-thousandth email, I just said, ‘fuck it.’” Other plans for the initiative will include replacing all the art in the Block Museum with pornography, a ‘no-clothes’ policy in Norris, and spontaneous lecture orgies. 

Whether Primal Cream will actually help students is uncertain at this time, but one thing is for sure: if you’re going Primal Creaming, bring a change of pants.