Northwestern Upperclassmen Await to Hear about Mind-Blowing Achievements of Class of 2018

EVANSTON, Il. - The Wildcats rejoice as they get the opportunity to greet a freshmen class with unparalleled talent. After all the rumors of academic success, upperclassmen are waiting to see if the legends are true.

One student in the Class of 2016, Betsy Wohlner, breathlessly told our publication, “I heard one of the freshmen from San Francisco got a 35 on his ACT! Not just that, but he was the CAPTAIN of his debate team!” Betsy could hardly get the words out over her hysterical squeals of excitement.

The triumphs only get better. James Truman, a senior in Medill, shared a most enticing story: “Last re-visit day, I overheard a committed student from Tallahassee say he played two varsity sports in high school!” Halfway through sharing this fact, James ran two laps around campus to ease his enthralled nerves.

As if the campus was not excited enough, Judy Gordon, a proud Resident Adviser, disclosed that this year we would be blessed with a student who lives 40 minutes North of New York City, but was planning on talking about the city as much as he could so everyone would perceive him as an interesting urbanite. Of course, this took Judy a whole fifteen minutes to convey, as she had an epileptic fit of excitement for five minutes and then made us guess what was making her downright manic with anticipation.

If God has a shred of compassion, the returning students will be able to hear every revolutionary accomplishment before Wildcat Welcome is over.