NU Basketball Big Ten Preview
Now that Northwestern has won the Gator Bowl, pissing all over Mississippi State, improving to 2-0 against the so-called “good” SEC, and ending a bowl drought that spanned approximately 320 times longer than Kim Kardashian’s suddenly relevant-again marriage (CHECK THE MATH, BITCHES), I’m sure you’re all probably thinking, “Man, does it get any better than this?” Well, as fate would have it, it does! If by better you actually mean worse. Because now it’s time for the start of the Big Ten basketball season. AND WE ALL REMEMBER HOW WELL LAST YEAR WENT.
All of our favorite assholes are back (except that goddamn Meyers Leonard. douche.), from Michigan to Ohio State to Illinois, and the Cats will have to navigate this season without the baby-faced assassin John Shurna. And JerShon Cobb. Oh and Drew Crawford is gone, too. WAIT WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP WORLD DO WE INHABIT I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE.
Regardless, it’s time we get ourselves in the mood for basketball by taking a look at the other 11 teams in the Big Ten and analyzing why they’re all fucking pricks.
OHIO STATE
Remember them? If you’ve waited for a Norris elevator anytime in the past three months, you may have noticed a video montage of Alex Marcotullio nailing a clutch three, followed by students storming the court at Welsh-Ryan. That was against Ohio State! (:D) EXCEPT NO ONE RUSHED THE COURT AFTERWARD BECAUSE WE LOST THAT GAME (D:) If there’s any piece of shit NU students hate more than Meyers Leonard, it might be Jared Sullinger. Except at least Sullinger was good at basketball.
Why they’re assholes: Dude, it’s Ohio State.
MICHIGAN
Remember them? Unfortunately, yes.
Why they’re assholes: Think how bad the overtime loss was in football. That happened last year in basketball. Twice.
MINNESOTA
Remember them? Let’s be honest, you might not. Minnesota is best known for being the last school anyone can name in the Big Ten. What about the Golden Gophers is remotely memorable? Every time you think about Minnesota, you think, “Oh, they suck at sports like they do at everything else.” This impression is likely based on football, the state in which they’re located, and the fact that no one you know went there (because who the fuck would want to live in Minnesota?). Unfortunately, not even Minnesota can be bad at everything.
Why they’re assholes: Recall that NU needed one win in the Big Ten Tournament last season in order to secure an NCAA Tournament berth for the first time in a long time. Also recall that it was fucking Minnesota that stole that game, resulting in the entire student body having nightmares of Dave Sobolewski’s missed layup at the end of regulation for the past calendar year. Wait, what do you mean you don’t have those nightmares?
Illinois
Remember them? Although we might all be feeling warm fuzzies about Illinois because they were nice enough to bend over and take it from us in football, it turns out they’re actually ranked 11 in the nation right now in basketball. That being said, they’re still ranked No. 1 in being huge tools.
Why they’re assholes: This is a program that allowed Meyers Leonard play basketball for them. Think about that for a second. A collection of people got together every few days, decked themselves out in orange and blue, and actually CHEERED for that goofy-looking douchenozzle.
Also, they’re kind of racist.
MICHIGAN STATE
Remember them? YEAH YOU DO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Why they’re assholes: On a more serious note, as someone who has been to East Lansing, allow me to send my sincere condolences to everyone who goes to school there.
IOWA
Remember them? Iowa exists to hand Northwestern two wins every year. It’s the role God has chosen them to play. Last season, the Cats had enough time to stop by Dance Marathon and give speeches after kicking the shit out of the Hawkeyes IN IOWA. That’s how much of a nonfactor Iowa basketball has become.
Why they’re assholes: Apparently, before a game against Nebraska, Iowa students made t-shirts that said, “I’d rather shower at Penn State than cheer for the Huskers.” Now, this demonstrates a few interesting things about Hawkeye fans. First, at least a few of them can read. Second, they have terrifyingly misplaced priorities, which brings into question how they function in everyday life. Third, they’re undeniable pricks.
PENN STATE
Remember them? Oh Penn State. The reason the basketball program has fucking sucked these past, oh, 59 years is because nobody in Happy Valley cares about basketball because yaaayyy football! Well, now when the football team goes 8-4 only to not qualify for a bowl game (sucks to suck), the student body can switch effortlessly to basketball! Where nothing they do there matters, either. Damn, how much do you regret going to Penn State now, random Nittany Lion alum who will no doubt leave a nasty comment?
Why they’re assholes: Everybody has a friend like a Penn State fan. A person that talks at the same volume most people yell about things that you don’t care about, ignoring reality and the feelings of those around them. Replace ‘things’ with ‘basketball,’ and remember that they suck at it.
INDIANA
Remember them? I’m pretty sure the nightmares of every member of Northwestern’s frontcourt consist of being repeatedly dunked on by Cody Zeller. I’m pretty sure MY nightmares consist of being repeatedly dunked on by Cody Zeller. One of these things has actually happened in real life.
Why they’re assholes: Now picture Zeller being defended by a member of NU’s all-freshman frontcourt, and multiply it by two since we only played them once last year. Realize that this will be our life for the next three years. Lose hope, eat ice cream and peanut butter.
PURDUE
Remember them? Much like NU, Purdue’s best player last year was a gangly white guy! Who of course had his best game of the season against the Cats. And much like John Shurna, Robbie Hummel is, sadly, not playing in the NBA. That being said, the Spanish professional league is no less relevant. Say hi to Juice for me!
Why they’re assholes: I don’t know why Purdue is in the Big Ten. In fact, I don’t think Purdue knows why Purdue is in the Big Ten. I couldn’t tell you where they’re located, and if I have to suffer through 400 drunk college kids screaming “Boiler up!” every time their team does anything remotely good, I’m going to tie a small puppy to railroad tracks somewhere in Indiana.
NEBRASKA
Remember them? Wait, Nebraska plays basketball?
Why they’re assholes: Have you ever met a Nebraska sports fan? Then I don’t see where the question is.
WISCONSIN
Remember them? If there’s one team in the Big Ten that is a sure bet to have more tall, un-athletic white guys than NU, it’s Wisconsin. This leads to an extremely exciting brand of basketball Bo Ryan likes to call, “Hold the ball for 34 seconds, and have that nerdy-looking guy try a layup.”
Why they’re assholes: No one has ever watched a Wisconsin basketball game and thought to themselves, “Wow, I’m having a lot of fun right now.” Therefore, we can all assume the Cats suffering a 20-point loss to them last season was the result of the Badgers literally boring NU to (near) death. This results in Wisconsin wasting every NCAA appearance they’ve ever earned by advancing to the sweet sixteen and then losing BECAUSE MAKING THE TOURNAMENT ISN’T A BIG DEAL RIGHT SO WHAT’S ALL THE FUSS ABOUT.
