NUIT: We Know What Porn You Watch
Reports out of NU Information Technology today have indicated that, yes, NUIT is completely aware of all the porn you’ve watched in your time at Northwestern, and they are completely disgusted. “If you’ve downloaded, streamed, or played anything while connected to the campus WiFi, we know about it,” said an anonymous NUIT Network Administrator. “If you watched anything while you were logged into CAESAR, we know about it. Even if you had just closed 12 tabs of porn before checking your university email, we know about it.”
While the Administrator says that their knowledge of porn habits extends to every member of the Northwestern community, they are especially focused on you.
“Ever since you got to campus, logged in to the WiFi, and dropped your trousers for the first time, we all knew we were witnessing something special. This kind of porn viewing comes maybe once in a generation, and we have been spectating for all of it,” he said. “And frankly we are disgusted but morbidly fascinated. It’s like a train wreck of bodily fluids and we can’t look away.”
The source went on to state that, despite sorting through several terabytes of porn traversing the University’s internet every hour, they are keeping detailed records of who is watching what, and your browsing habits are especially notable
“It’s really amazing the kind of things you have funneled through the campus internet to your computer,” said one of the NUIT employees who spends hours every day categorizing Northwestern students by their porn habits. “It’s almost like you have no idea that every time you watch porn we are judging you.”
Another revelation provided by this employee was the NUIT PornWatch Betting Pool, where University employees will often wager upwards of $50 on what kind of porn you will be watching next.
“I really thought last Thursday you were going to go back to that supernumerary nipple porn site you seem to love so much,” said a disgruntled NUIT specialist who has lost $200 in the pool since you enrolled. “How was I supposed to know you were going to change it up and visit the Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky from Full House role-play porn page instead? Out of all the kids on campus, you have the most varied, absolutely horrifying taste in porn I have ever seen.”
On a more serious note, an NUIT spokesman expressed his concern, saying that your porn watching habits are “abnormal in both type and quantity” and “reflect the pent up energy of two decades of sexual frustration expressing itself in the most grotesque way possible.” According to the spokesman, it is the official recommendation of NUIT that you see a therapist or maybe join a convent or something.
NUIT also revealed that they are passing on all relevant data to President Schapiro, who has been on record stating that this new system of porn tabulation is “much easier than the way my predecessors used to do it, back in the days when men were men and porn could be hidden under mattresses.”
You, the worst abuser of internet pornography to ever call themselves a Wildcat, could not be reached for comment.
