Op-Ed: All Immigrants Should be Required to Change Their Names to Uncle Sam

Let’s be honest: we have an immigration problem in this country.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no Luddite. I’m not going to shout at you about some magical wall, or make a big Trumpy fuss about criminals roaming our streets. I do, however, have one conviction, and it’s a strong one: if you’re going to immigrate to this country, you should have to legally change your name to Uncle Sam.

I don’t see this as an unreasonable request. We want new Americans to prove their love and respect for our country. What better proof is there than for every new immigrant to change their name in homage to the greatest patriot who ever lived?

Just picture it: you’re working behind the counter of your local sandwich shop, and a man walks in, and orders three meatball subs. Immediately, you become suspicious. “No American has that kind of massive appetite for meatballs,” you think to yourself, “this man must have illegally entered the country from Sicily, the meatball capital of Italy!” But just as you’re about to call Homeland Security to deport this Sicilian Scoundrel, he takes out his American Express card to buy his subs, and you see “Uncle Sam” emblazoned across it. Now you can serve those meatball subs comfortably, knowing that they’re going straight into the stomach of a proud legal immigrant.

Uncle Sams everywhere would be doing their part to make the country great. It would be the most important immigration legislation since the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882, in which we only allowed Chinese migrants to enter the country if their name was “John D. Rockefeller.”

Now, I can already hear the complaints rolling in. “But P-Philb,” you cry, “if every immigrant changes their name to Uncle Sam, how do we tell whose Christmas present Santa Claus has left under the tree?” To that, I say this: your invitation of many immigrants to celebrate Christmas with you is charitable, but questionable. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about good old St. Nick. If he’s going to be flying into this country every year on our dollar, then he’s going to have to be Saint Uncle Sam from now on. Rules are rules.

I won’t be content until I can walk down the street and say “Good morning, Uncle Sam!” and watch as a thousand smiling men and women all wave back. And I need a candidate who is willing to work hard to make this dream a reality.