Potter No More

“Wingardium Leviosa!” said all of you to your dicks this weekend when you realized Pottermore was open to the public at last. Like your dicks were rising. Like you got a boner. From a website that includes zero naked pictures of Emma Watson. Yeah, I don’t get it either. What could be so great about this magic Internet shit? The books I understand. Nothing brings more joy than experiencing others getting to do things that I will never in my life come close to doing, AMIRITE?! (I’ll flip a coin and get back to you) But, like all of my past sexual relationships, I figured I’d see what all the fuss was about and give it a shot. So I signed up for Pottermore, and fucked around on it for about 10 minutes (which, according to the Wikipedia article on ‘Experts’ I just edited, now qualifies me as an expert on the subject), and this is pretty much what it’s like:

Welcome to Pottermore, bitches! JK Rowling here, you wanna join my epic power-trip? K, first let’s find out if you’re magical. What’s your name and email address? Oh wow, looks like you’re magical! Welcome, minion! Welcome to JK’s army-uh I mean Pottermore!

Let’s assign you a new name then, shall we? Your given name will obviously not suffice here, as there are no boring names like ‘Ron’ or ‘Harry’ or ‘George’ in my magical wizarding kingdom. Forever more, you shall be known as one of the following embarrassing combinations of words and gross diseases I made up:

WartFace26549 PhoenixPiss90 MagicalClit0211 DobbysBallsac3691 EarWaxMakesMeHorny82

Chosen yet? Great, time to get sorted, which is all that you came here for, right? JK (Rowling), you have to murk through 7 chapters first! HAHAHA tricked ya bitches! Here’s a bunch of shit to collect that will probably not mean anything later, but you have to click on every little part of every scene to find them! After that, a bunch of little factoids about minor characters will pop up, which you should all take your sweet time reading, because who doesn’t want to know where Petunia Dursley got her first job?

Alright, you’ve clicked as fast as you could through the first few chapters, tryna get sorted as fast as possible, but now I’m gonna make you do something. Hope you enjoy 2nd grade-level computer games, ‘cause that’s what it’s time for! Here’s some money, and here’s some stores, and here’s where you click ‘buy!’ Omgosh, it’s just like you’re really there, isn’t it? I’m an Internet wizard, nbd.

Congratulations! You’ve finally arrived at Hogwarts! Time to get down to business. But first, watch this 20-minute video in which I detail my entire middle school gym class experience and how this parallels the sorting hat and why didn’t my parents love me like a love song BOO-HOO (100% skipped the video, but I feel pretty confidently that it was something along these lines). In order to properly sort you into the clique that you will wear the same colors as for the rest of your life, you’ll need to fill out this short and totally irrelevant quiz. GL, biddies!

1. If you were in a long term, monogamous relationship with a magic carpet, with which other magical object would you cheat on it with? A. Wand B. Broomstick C. Telescope D. Other Phallic Magical Item

2. Which Katy Perry lyric most strongly identifies your relationship with your pet owl: A. Now every February, you’ll be my Valentine B. On my 18th birthday, we got matching tattoos C. Infect me with your love and fill me with your poison D. Think we kissed but I forgot

3. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes? A. Blondes B. Brunettes C. Gingers Weasleys D. I’m asexual. I prefer magical Internet worlds. But I guess they can be blonde magical internet worlds

The ancient mystical wizards have conferred, and you are a....

First year girl at Beauxbatons!

I deleted my Pottermore account this morning.