Red Alert: Becky’s Using Email Lingo in Real Life
EVANSTON, IL - Northwestern sophomore Becky Pickles has been identified as the 3rd student nationwide to begin using email lingo in real life. What started as a few small lapses in judgment soon evolved into something much more serious, leaving experts to question what exactly got into the teen, and how to stop it. When we spotted Becky in person and approached her for an interview, she initially refused to comment. Before fleeing the premises, however, she shrugged her shoulders and recited her signature: “Becky Pickles // Northwestern Class of 2020 // Economics and French.”
Sources close to the subject reported that Becky first started using these phrases in an effort to spark a new fad amongst her classmates, slipping into conversations with lines such as “I hope this interaction finds you having a nice lunch” and “Thank you in advance for listening to what I’m about to say.” Becky’s adoption of this new style of speak seemed to spiral out of control as she began to refer to her family as the “PICKLESLISTSERV,” prompting her mom to beg her daughter to “Please cut this email bullshit the fuck out, Becky.”
Sadly, Becky could not do that. One of Pickles’ best friends, Brad Larson, recalls the instance in which he knew his friend was lost to this wicked vernacular for good: what researchers are calling “the Best incident.” Larson explains, “Yeah, I was there when it happened. She had already promised to stop at this point...but she got up to go to class, looked me straight in the eye, and said ‘Best, Becky.’ I got chills. I thought I was going to throw up. I did throw up a little, actually.”
From that point on there was no going back. Becky has been known to scream exactly what she plans on talking about when entering a room. Becky announced “TLDR: Fake war. Space race. Wall fell.” before promptly returning to her seat during her “History of the Cold War” presentation just last Wednesday. In one particularly unfortunate instance, Becky got into an altercation when a friend relayed a touchy secret to her and she responded, “I promise I won’t tell anyone. BCC Susanne.”
Although the phenomenon seems relatively contained for now, experts are wary of where it might spread next. Amidst all this speculation, cries to “Bring our Becky back” can be heard across the entire Evanston area from friends and family, for whom this sickness hits a little more close to homepage. Bump on any further updates.
Best,
Old Lady Shankleworth. Shit.
