Resume Hacks for the Downtrodden Applicant

One of the best ways to stand out on your resume is in your special skills and hobbies section.  Having special skills and hobbies not only makes you more interesting, but also more relatable to a potential employer. Here are a few special skills and hobbies that may benefit you--or may not--but feel free to expound upon your own strengths and ability to bullshit here, because that’s really what a good resume is all about.  

• Operatic singer: So what if your 6^th grade chorus teacher recommended you take up the violin, you, my friend have DREAMED of singing opera. Albeit this dream was actually a nightmare in which your 5^th grade teacher, old babysitter, and that cross-eyed kid from camp were the judging you in a room in Carnegie Hall, and gave you less than stellar ratings. You have ASPIRATIONS of one day performing at great venues (the acoustics are stellar in the shower!), and that is good enough. Give yourself a little credit and put this down!

• Mountain biker: Yes, you once owned a mountain bike. It was child sized and you chose it because the wheels were thicker than the other bikes for more balance. Technically that means all riding that was done on that bike was mountain biking right? One time you actually even rode up a mountain. Well, attempted to ride up a mountain, you had to stop halfway and walk your bike up. Well the mountain may have been considered a hill by most topographic standards, but it sure felt like a mountain at the time. C’mon man, you’re a mountain biker, this totally counts.

• Pottery: So you’ve never taken a pottery class? No problem! Find the nearest pottery or art studio near you, stop by for an hour, rub your fingers around in some clay as it spins on a wheel, and see what you create. Really guys, pottery is not that hard. Worst comes to worst you buy a ceramic bowl at Crate and Barrel and claim it as your own. There you go, you’ve got yourself a brand new hobby for that resume!

• Czech: Yes, that’s right, the language of the Czech people. The chances that your employer will know any words, let alone anyone who even has a small degree of experience with this language is highly unlikely, but it is a cool thing to be able to put on your resume. Memorize one Czech phrase to say just in case you do run into someone who speaks Czech, ideally something sassy like, “I like your groin,” or “I have 3 testicles” (this worked well in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.) Worst comes to worst your interviewer does speak Czech in which case you’re probably already screwed. So go ahead, put it on, this is quite the special skill!

• Rock Climbing: Now you might come to me and say, “But I’ve never been rock climbing!” but in this case I would tell you you’re wrong. Just because you repressed the memory of having to rappel down the rock wall from 5 feet up at Jimmy’s birthday party while Samantha rung the bell from the top of the wall doesn’t mean it didn’t happen! In fact, you’ve probably rock climbed more than once because EVERYONE’s birthday in elementary school included a rock wall at some point. Either that or laser tag. But you can’t put laser tag on your resume and look like a real person. Anyway, who cares that you’ve never been rock climbing on an actual rock, let alone outside, you know the necessary equipment (a carabineer, belay, harness, rope, and helmet) and fancy rock climbing words like rappel. See, you’re already a pro! Put that shit right in the hobbies section!