Saferide to Limit Pick-ups and Drop-offs to Locations on Go Fuck Yourself Avenue

EVANSTON, Il. - A representative from Saferide announced in a press conference that the student taxi service would be limiting all rides to locations along Go Fuck Yourself Avenue.

"When it comes down to it, we just don't have the funding anymore," said the representative. "It's regrettable, but from this point forward, students will only be able to get a ride if they are both coming from and headed to a location along Go Fuck Yourself Avenue."

The representative added that, if the organization receives more funding next year, they'll hope to expand their service to Suck A Veiny Dick Court, and possibly even Here's A Zip-Lock Bag Full Of My Seven-Month Old Pubes Lane.

Student response to the policy change has been overwhelmingly negative.

"I have rehearsal on campus until midnight five nights a week," complained Annabelle Whitney (SoC, '15). "Now my only options are walking home alone after midnight, or walking fifteen more minutes out of my way to Go Fuck Yourself Avenue."

Surprisingly, even the response of students who live on Go Fuck Yourself Avenue are negative as well.

"I use Saferide all the time, but now I can only take it just down the street?" asked Greg Lindstrom (WCAS, '14). "Where the hell am I going to go on Go Fuck Yourself Avenue? Blick?"

As of press time, Saferide announced that they were also considering a "drive-by" policy, requiring patrons to jump into a moving Saferide car in order to reduce wait times and serve more students.