Sherman Ave Guide to the Fourth of July

Jul 3

Jul 3 Sherman Ave Guide to the Fourth of July

[expand title="July 4th Fireworks Guide" tag="h3"]

Whether it’s a tanker truck in an action movie or a prop on Mythbusters, whether it’s Bikini Atoll or a Middle Eastern village full of innocent bystanders; there’s nothing more American than blowing things up. From a young age Americans are taught how awesome flashy things that make loud noises can be. When you were six your cool Uncle Mike showed you how to use sparklers at the family barbecue. When you were still six at that same barbecue your even cooler Uncle Jack (who only has 8 fingers! Wicked!) called Mike a pussy and showed you how to use illegal fireworks he got in Mexico. When you were seven your Uncle Jack was convicted of reckless endangerment and sentenced to six months in local jail for the Leland Park fire of 2001. And you’ve loved fireworks ever since.

However, what you may not know is that while there are many ways to take in fireworks displays, there is only one right way to truly enjoy them. Here’s our breakdown:

Body Position: You should be doing somersaults throughout the entire course of the show, primarily out of respect.
Company: Fireworks are best enjoyed with five friends. Or six. Or I guess four. Three is pushing it. Seven? Are you kidding me? Might as well defect to Russia you commie traitor!
State of Mind: Whoa, I just realized that “State of Mind” would be a really cool name for a sci-fi dystopian movie about government mind control.
Costume: Your “sexy Fred Flintstone” cosplay from this year’s ComicCon will work just fine, don’t be so self-conscious.
Moms: No moms!

- Walter Klondike™[/expand]

[expand title="July 4th Hot Dog Guide" tag="h3"]

The Fourth of July should be the biggest hot dog party you throw every year--and I'm not just talking sexy daschunds! America's birthday is a time to light up the grill, whip out the 'dogz and mustard and ketchup and rub them all over your body. Yum. 🇺🇸. Toss 'em around in the front yard with Junior. Better yet, light a dog like a sparkler, toss it in the air and watch it explode into a patriotic shower of innards all over your lawn. No matter what, folks, treat your hot dog like you want it to treat you. And while I'm at it, #fuq hamburgers!

- Scurvy Jacobson[/expand]

[expand title="July 4th Drink Guide" tag="h3"]

It won’t be the fourth without you getting too drunk and throwing up right outside of Ronnie Salazar’s garage while he makes out with your date. Here are three 4th of July cocktails that will make sure that this time you don’t remember Ronnie making out with your date.

Benedict Arnold

6 ounces Dr. Pepper 10™
4 ounces Jeppson’s Malort
2 ounces Vermouth

This is less of a drink and more of a ZONK! Tell your one of your pals that you’ll make ‘em a Rum & Coke and instead give ‘em this ass juice. It’s got the holy trinity of awfulness in it. Dr. Pepper 10 ™ is definitively the worst Dr. Pepper variety, Malort tastes like someone sprayed Febreeze into your mouth while you were sleeping, and nobody knows what Vermouth is or what it does. Now after you attempt this ZONK!, you should expect a knuckle sandwich. That’s okay. There’s always other parties for you to pull a fresh ZONK!

Ice Water

6 ounces crushed ice
6 ounces cold water

This one is literally just some ice water. You’re going to to need it because it’s hot and you don’t want to get too dehydrated. Sherman Ave may be a party (and bareback) publication, but we look out for our readers. Don’t be a blockhead; drink some water this 4th.

Chinese Fireworks

11 ounces Fireball™ Cinnamon Whiskey
1 ounce Mongolian Beef

Listen, you’re going to need to eat during these BBQs but every place you go to is going to have hot dogs and hamburgers. All you need is eighth of these bad boys for a nice serving of delicious mongolian beef.

- Clint Taurus[/expand]

[expand title="July 4th Clothing Guide" tag="h3"]

I know what you’re thinking: “Fourth of July wardrobe? Dude, that’s easy. I got my stars n stripes snapback, flag shorts, star spangled Sperry’s and American pride.” Well, that’s great for you, you tacky piece of shit. Anyone who’s anyone knows that real Americans would never disrespect the flag in such a way. This day deserves the highest honor and respect, and that’s why all barbecue, beach, bar and festival events should be black tie only. It’s what the forefathers would want. End of discussion.

- Ammonia$ta Dribbling[/expand]

[expand title="July 4th Playlist Guide" tag="h3"]

Calixa Lavallee - “O Canada” Start fourth of July with a bit of humility. As the good lord said, love thy neighbor.
Chance the Rapper - Sunday Candy Sherman Ave Offical Song of 2K15 Selection™
Avril Lavigne - “Sk8er Boi” God also said don’t covet thy neighbor’s pop stars but screw you God, it’s America’s birthday. This is the land of opportunity so we’re gonna take the opportunity to listen to some fucking Sk8er Boi.
Bruce Springsteen - “Born in the USA” You have to play this song but when you do everyone who was not born in the USA has to leave. Like. The country. Ideally.
Chance the Rapper - Sunday Candy Sherman Ave Offical Song of 2K15 Selection™
Peter Pan Soundtrack - What Makes the Red Man Red

This song pays homage to one of the color’s on America’s beautiful flag while simultaneously tipping its hat to her racist tendencies that were previously overlooked at best if not decorated as entertainment. Awesome!
John Mellencamp - Jack & Diane This is about as white as a song can get.
Derek and the Dominos - Bell Bottom Blues Amazing amounts of alliteration!
Chance the Rapper - Sunday Candy Sherman Ave Offical Song of 2K15 Selection™
Chance the Rapper - Sunday Candy Please just ONE more time
Wakko - “Wakko’s 50 State Capitals” Timeless.
Lee Greenwood - Proud to Be An American

This must be played 50 consecutive times, one time for each star on the American flag.
A 4 Hour Loop of The Audio Bit from Independence Day Where the Alien Says Die USA! USA!
Green Day - American Idiot You’re most likely American. And you’re still reading this. Hence...
Chance the Rapper - Sunday Candy Play on repeat until the fireworks stop and the dogs stop barking.