Well I’ll be a motherfucker, fellow Wildcats. The glorious holiday known only as Dillo, the college equivalent of the combination of Christmas, New Years, 4th of July and Casmir Pulaski Day, is cometh again 8 months early. And that’s fucking SICK HOLY CHRIST.
Now, you must be thinking: “Samwise, how much glue did you snort this morning bro there’s only one Dillo.” Well let me inform you that not only can you go to hell, you’re also completely full of shit. Because Northwestern plays An Ohio State University on Oct. 5. At night (that said, spot on with the glue comment who told you about that). Which means that every NU worth his or her weight in midterms will be utterly shithoused by 10 AM.
By that time, we will all have roughly 9 hours until the game actually starts. Meaning many of us will be plastered and wandering around Evanston looking for shit to pee on. If this is starting to sound a lot like Dillo, you’re beginning to see my point.
And as with Dillo, there are many potential pitfalls, rookie mistakes, and keys to having a great time, with the added twist that there will be hundreds of An Ohio State University fans in your immediate vicinity. Also nobody will be threatening to make you sit through a Wu Tang concert. Gotta take things as they come in life.
So as a veteran of my fair share of Dillos AND tailgates, it is my responsibility to pretend like I’m the best person to be giving you advice on how to have an unbelievably incredible time that you will no doubt not remember for as long as you live (which, if we win, is a little less than a week).
Do
- Make a sign for Gameday. Ideas include: ESPN acronym using “PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS.” “Braxton Miller Wears Cargos,” or “Urban Meyer has a FUPA.” Get creative. You all were recently named the 4th smartest school in the nation.
- Whenever you run into an An Ohio State University fan, pull out your keys and ask them to park your car. If they refuse and try to run away, chase them around while frantically waving a wad of $1 bills in your hand. If they become confrontational, I don’t really know what to tell you because in their defense you were kind of being a dick.
- Make giant cutouts of Evan Watkins’ head. I don’t care that he’s not on the team anymore. Legends never die.
- TAILGATE! Grill a ton of meat, sit on thrones made from cases of Natty Ice, and throw empty beer cans at townies. Tailgating is a right given by Morton Schapiro to Wildcats everywhere and NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU except potentially the police. They probably could.
- GO TO THE GAME. Don’t be the asshole who isn’t there to support the team because you woke up, screamed “LET’S GET TURNT!!1!!” and then passed out at 3 PM. That’s called being soft. Don’t be soft.
- Wear Purple. Like, Christ JESUS people I would hope you would nail this one.
Don’t
- Camp out the night before Gameday comes to be on TV. Because I’m doing that. Fuck off.
- Assume we’re going to win.
- Make a sign in which a complicated math equation equals “Go Cats!” We’re trying to change our image and you’re NOT FUCKING HELPING.
- Get lost. Chances are, this will be the first game many freshman have gone to. Unless you actually went to Maine. In which case, what the fuck? Just follow the crowd of people and don’t feel embarrassed to knock on Mayor Tisdahl’s door to ask directions. She loves students!
- STOP SCREAMING WHEN OHIO STATE HAS THE BALL.
