Terrified Senior Ecstatic Northwestern Gets Out So Much Later Than Other Schools

Realizing that the steady, inevitable march of time had brought him to the brink of graduating and the horrifying prospect of life in the real world, Weinberg senior Brandon Grammer reported last week that he was extremely glad, euphoric even, that Northwestern students get out a full month later than their semester school counterparts. “Yeah, all my friends are posting sad statuses and snapchat stories about how bummed the are to be graduating,” Grammer said, sweat dripping from his brow as his eyes nervously darted across the room. “TOTAL suckers AMIRIGHT?!?”

Grammer, who knows full well that life will never again be as good as it is in the protected bubble of college, where he is surrounded by friends, has few responsibilities, and binge drinks four days a week, is reported to have recently told friends that he’s “SO glad we have another whole month of college left.”

“He’s been texting me non-stop, asking me how jealous I am that he has another month before he gets out of school,” said Krystin Cardozo, a student at the University of Missouri. “He knows that he’s still gonna graduate eventually, right? I mean, no one’s THAT dumb.”

Sources indicated that Grammer, a notorious douche, had previously posted facebook statuses each of the past three years railing against the quarter system, two of which read, “Ugh it’s such a JOKE that we don’t get out until mid-June at NU!!! Fuck the quarter system!!!! #fuckthequartersystem” and “omg SHUT UP friends at other schools!! No one cares that you’re out of school!!! #fuckthequartersystem.”