The Four Most Embarrassing Things You Did as a Teenager
Now that you've survived spending time at home with your younger relatives, all those old memories are coming back to you. Remember your creepy loyal and unrequited love for The One, who dated the ugly skank with the stripper name instead of you?[1] Remember that time your stupid mean “friend” ditched the Fabulous Five Femme Fatales to go to Homecoming in her stupid boyfriend’s group and totally spent the whole dance frenching with him? Remember changing for gym class? Taylor Swift, why isn’t any of this in the song about being fifteen?
This, apparently, is what teenage siblings are for: to remind you of the awful weird bitchy creature you were just a few short years ago. And now you realize: everyone was probably really embarrassed on your behalf, too. Here’s a list of the things you really shouldn’t have been proud of.[2]
1. You had an incurable obsession with a really lame band.
Hey, check it out. I just spent my two hours of allotted internet time watching Maroon Five videos on Youtube. Want to see how Adam Levine walked when he’s in Australia? Like this. No, I meant to do that, he kinda trips over his feet sometimes too. Anyway, he’s really cool. Did you know he’s dated practically four Victoria’s Secret models? He’s like, probably not a virgin. He dated them for a really long time. And he sings about sex a lot. My sister said that she read in an interview that he can’t stand when his VS model girlfriends make corned beef hash for breakfast and leave the oily pan in the sink for someone else to clean. That’s why I stopped doing that, cause if I were Adam Levine’s girlfriend and he got mad at me for leaving corned beef hash pans in the sink I’d be worried he’d just break up with me and date another VS model cause he’s so hot! Have you seen his six-pack? More like SEX-pack, hahaha! Ew, no, I’m not gay for Adam Levine. I’m like, way too macho to be gay or whatever. I just think he’s really cool and stuff.
2. Swearing means you’re cool and grown-up.
See, once a bro reaches the fucking age where he can swear in front of his goddamn mommy and not get his fucking ass kicked, that’s how you fucking know you’re a fucking MAN.
…What? Mrs. Schneider gave me a DT for writing “fuck this shit” in the fill-in-the-blank vocab test? FUCK that fucking bitch! That’s right, I said it. You fucking hear me, Schneider? I mean, you don’t hear me cause I’ll never say it to your face cause you’d probably call home but seriously THIS IS SUCH BS. YOU ARE SUCH AN EFFING C-WORD.
3. You became suddenly really focused on your own genitalia.
OMG YOU GUYS THE COOLEST THING HAPPENED TO ME JUST THIS LAST YEAR- I RECENTLY FOUND OUT I HAVE BALLS. YOU CAN’T TREAT ME LIKE A LITTLE KID ANYMORE CAUSE I HAVE BALLS AND STUFF. I WANT TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEM. OHMYGOD THESE BALLS I HAVE ARE LIKE SO ITCHY BECAUSE OF THIS PUBIC HAIR I’VE ALSO JUST GROWN. IS THIS TOO MUCH DETAIL YOU KEEP SAYING IT’S TOO MUCH DETAIL FOR THIS PUBLIC RESTAURANT WE’RE IN BUT I JUST WANT TO INFORM YOU AND THE HOT WAITRESS AND EVERYONE ELSE IN EARSHOT THAT I’M A REAL MAN NOW BECAUSE I HAVE BIG HAIRY MANLY BALLS. MAH BALLS. CAN WE TALK ABOUT MY BALLS? HEY I HAVE BALLS. BALLLLSSSSSSSS.
4. And sex isn’t so gross after all.
Hahaha, you just said “‘do’ your chores!" Ohmygosh, that sounded so wrong! I can’t fuck the vacuum, Mom. But maybe it could SUCK MY— …Mom? You’re not getting the soap, are you? Nonono not the soap Mom please I won’t say it again—
...Ha. I just said “it.”
