The Official Sherman Ave Midterm Election Ballot Guide
It’s election time! No, you can’t vote for Hillary yet, but midterm elections are still… fun? For all of you first-time Evanston voters, here is a guide to some of the white people who are looking to run your state. A couple disclaimers…
- This guide only covers Senatorial, Congressional, and Gubernatorial elections. If you want to make sure you elect the most well-intentioned candidates as Commissioners of the Metropolitan Water Reclamation District, that’s your job, not mine.
- If this list in any way influences your ballot, you’re doing democracy wrong.
Senator
Richard J. Durbin, Democrat
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio (Bold)
Something He Supports: The DREAM Act
A Truth: parts his hair to the left because fuck society
A Lie: Legit hasn’t stopped calling Obama since he left the Senate
High School Crush: Celine Dion
FMK: Fuck. Nothing turns me on like the sweet sound of a man on the mission to allow young immigrants into this country
James D. “Jim” Oberweis, Republican
Zodiac Sign: Gemini (Adaptable)
Something He Supports: Reducing Government Spending
A Truth: Mentions Durbin 45 times on the “Jim on the Issues” page of his website
A Lie: Doesn’t actually drink Oberweis milk because it’s fucking expensive
High School Crush: Maggie Moo
FMK: Marry. I am not going to deny myself the Oberweis fortune.
Sharon Hansen, Libertarian
Zodiac Sign: Unknown… seems very Pisces-y (Unassuming)
Something She Supports: Liberty and shitty website design
A Truth: The following quotes actually appear on her front page: “I don’t know Jim [Oberweis]’s phone number,” and “Liar, Liar Dick on Fire!”
A Lie: Will definitely be elected to the US Senate
High School Crush: Ayn Rand
FMK: Kill. Nothing about the phrase “Dick on Fire” (see above) makes me want to be within spitting distance of this woman.
Representative, 9th District
Janice D. Schakowsky, Democrat
Zodiac Sign: Gemini (Adaptable)
Something She Supports: THE MIDDLE CLASS, BITCHES!
A Truth: Was inspired by both Nancy Pelosi’s policy making and haircut
A Lie: Uses Comic Sans to seem fun and quirky
High School Crush: Sting
FMK: Marry. I just want to argue about the future of my children with this woman.
Susanne Atanus, Republican 
Zodiac Sign: N/A—Taurus? Which Zodiac sign’s the ignorant one?
Something She Supports: Heterosexual Marriage
Some Truths: Blames tornadoes on Gay Rights, booted from Illinois GOP, got her B.A. in Political Science at Northwestern University
A Lie: Had a cornrows phase in high school
High School Crush: Rosie O’Donnell
FMK: KILL. If the GOP won’t touch her, why should I?
Governor
Pat Quinn, Democrat
Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius (Philosophical)
Something He Supports: Jobs… Trees… #justgovernorthings
A Truth: One of only 3 of the last 7 Illinois Governors who hasn’t been imprisoned
A Lie: Throws legendary ragers in the Governor’s Mansion
High School Crush: OPRAH
FMK: Kill. I’m sorry buddy, Rauner’s got the money, Grimm’s got the looks, and you’ve just got the receding hairline.
Bruce Rauner, Republican
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius (Unorthodox)
Something He Supports: Getting Democrats to vote for him, bringing business to Illinois
A Truth: He has about a gazillion dollars
A Lie: Made that money by selling edible underwear
High School Crush: Maggie Thatcher
FMK: Marry. If I’m gonna hate myself for the rest of my life, I’d like to do so from my penthouse.
Chad Grimm, Libertarian
Zodiac Sign: Again Unknown, but definitely the hot one
Something He Supports: The Second Amendment
A Truth: Least electable, most fuckable
A Lie: His eyes literally make people’s hearts melt. It’s a problem. Seven people have died.
High School Crush: Flo from the Progressive commercials
FMK: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
