The Oscars: A self-indulgent analysis of the movies that I think should win

The Academy Awards have provided viewers with many reasons to hate them and very few reasons to love them. Every year the producers of the awards try and fail to make the show more entertaining. Like when they tried to appeal to different audiences by getting Anne Hathaway and James Franco to host (I’m still unclear on what the target audience was. Stoners and theater nerds? Because Anne Hathaway was definitely a theater kid in high school. And James Franco probably wasn’t THAT high, that’s just how his face and vocal inflections are.)

In my opinion, the fix for the awards is simple: shorten the goddamn thing. Limit acceptance speeches to 7 seconds and don’t bother presenting the awards no one gives a fuck about (looking at you, Documentary Short). Show longer clips though, because everyone likes clips. And finally, be relevant. Box office success doesn’t necessarily preclude a movie from being a respectable contender. And just because a film is artsy, British, or makes you use your noggin, it doesn’t necessarily deserve the highest honor in cinema. (I still have no idea what The Artist is.)

What follows is a self-indulgent analysis of the movies that I think should win. I’ve seen maybe half of the movies that are nominated, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t get to have strong opinions.

Best Picture: Silver Linings Playbook

This movie struck the perfect note in every scene. It was funny, dramatic, and just quirky enough to be interesting but not annoying. And it was basically believable. Also, Bradley Cooper is very pretty and I did not know that he could act outside of The Hangover. Which, by the way, was awesome. But would never get nominated for anything because see above.

Best Actor: Hugh Jackman (Les Miserables)

If what I’ve read in various reviews is true, then all the actors in this movie were singing live as they were filming. Hugh Jackman was literally in the entire movie. He was never off screen for more than like 5 minutes. And he had to sing really fucking high, and punctuate his songs with strong emotions and such. And he was often opposite Russell Crowe, whose singing voice sounded like what I imagine it would sound like if you were getting smothered by a pillow and trying to scream. Also, the camera man liked to do really intense face close-ups, so it doesn’t hurt that Hugh Jackman is pretty non-offensive looking.

Best Actress: Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook)

Predictable “Jennifer Lawrence is smart, funny, beautiful, incredibly talented AND SHE’S ONLY 22” commentary.

Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin (Argo)

Rule of thumb with Alan Arkin: He can take any movie from a 5 to a 7. He was the fancy umbrella in the already super-indulgent drink that was Argo. Just delightful. Anyone who disagrees can Ar-go fuck themselves.

Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables)

Disclaimer: I actively hate Anne Hathaway. Her face, her teeth, her smile, her laugh, ALL OF IT. I can’t even deal. So I went to Les Mis fully expecting to discover that her performance was grossly overrated. But when she warbled through “I Dreamed a Dream”…I fucking got goose bumps. So, like, she was really good. Really fucking good.

Best Director: I’m too blown that Ben Affleck wasn’t nominated to have an opinion.

Best Animated Feature: ParaNorman

I mean Pixar didn’t put anything out this year so I half-heartedly endorse ParaNorman. The fat kid is kind of cute.

Visual Effects*: Life of Pi

My best friend and I spent the first 20 minutes of this movie asking each other “wait…is the tiger CGI? Are any of the animals? No they definitely are. They have to be. Wait…are they?” Sooooo yeah those were some good visual effects.

Any award that does not fall into the aforementioned categories is irrelevant. Unless the category is Best Costume Design or Best Production Design and it’s a year that a Harry Potter movie came out.

*Typically falls in the category of “don’t give no fuck,” but I actually have an opinion on it for once and this is my article so YOLO.