1. Because that stock photo is not going to write a clever caption for itself.
2. Because cancer is not something you can joke about.
3. Because Ice Cube’s feature film Are We There Yet? (2005) is this generation’s seminal social commentary, setting an example for future discussions on the ramifications of divorce for young children as well as discussions on American race relations, using its title to pose the rhetorical question of whether we have reached, or perhaps if we shall ever reach, a post-racial America.
4. Because jet fuel doesn’t burn hot enough to melt the steel in the towers. We’re going to need someone on the inside who can set up a controlled demolition and then use this whole thing as a justification for the Patriot Act.
5. Because frats are stupid elitist cliques who monopolize the campus social life and I didn’t want a bid anyway.
6. Because Palestine started it!
7. Because letting them get married erodes the sanctity of the traditional American family, deprives their children of a normal childhood, and is just plain unnatural. But fine, if Kim and Kanye want to get married, I guess they have the right to do so.
8. Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk.
9. Because Pilates is a body conditioning routine that helps build flexibility, muscle strength, and endurance in the legs, abdominals, arms, hips, and back. It puts emphasis on spinal and pelvic alignment, breathing, and developing a strong core or center, and improving coordination and balance. Besides, Tony’s girlfriend is always there. I guess she just loves Tony more than you love me.
10. Because, Mom! None of the cool kids’ parents make them wear condoms!
11. Because the Overlords have commanded it, and so it must be. Thou shalt not disobey the Overlords, lest ye be smote down with the hellfire fury of Zanthod the Mighty.
12. Because after that first time nothing else could give you the same rush. But where are we going to find another homeless man?
13. Because
14. Because Michelle asked you to stop the mindless drone strikes, and you never could resist a thing after it’s been made a forbidden fruit.
15. Because I’ve spent years looking for the “perfect girl” when she was right in front of me the entire time. I’m tired of these games, Chelsea, let’s just pick the cutest orphan and adopt it.
16. Because trust me, those fuckers will click on anything that’s a list.
-Walter Klondike™
