Aren’t we all sick of the typical “Study Abroad Blog”? I mean, it’s #amazing and #lifechanging that you saw the “Le Tour Eiffel” and drank wine in Sicily and went to that weird building in Barcelona. You got a picture with a camel and underprivileged children? That’s really amazing! I’ve never seen anything quite like it! For the past 6 minutes, that is.
So, just a warning, if you are abroad, I speak for most everyone--no one reads your blog aside from your extended family. If you’re lucky, maybe your mother leaves it open for your cat to take naps next to. But that’s it.
Let’s be real, the only blog people would really want to read would be about sexcapades. We don’t want to hear about how you went to a coffee shop in Amsterdam; we want to hear about how you made your cash in the red light district to pay for said coffee shop.
While you’re abroad, as long as you act the 100% opposite of a Northwestern student (aka never step foot in the library and make eye contact with, well, anyone,) then you’re guaranteed to meet some incredible people who will change your outlook on life (#clicheforareason). That being said, these people will likely fall into certain categories, and this is taking a moment to dwell on all of the wonderful men in your life, the ones who won’t quite make the blog.
1. Club Promoter
He’s a douche. A really really hot douche. He will buy you and your friends a bottle of vodka, tell you your accent is sexy, and give you his business card. You’ll have some high expectations, but he’s the most selfish lover imaginable.
2. Scandinavian
Hot. Blonde. Viking. Just, I just can’t. Don’t get me started. Those fitted suits, quirky humor, and snus? UGH, let me be Scandi, please.
3. The Australian Surfer
Basically the same as the hot Norwegian, but without the icy and aloof attitude. He’s down for a great time, doing some soul-searching, and will surely be your buddy for whatever physical excursion you have planned. Like hiking!
4. The American Bro
You’re not the only person abroad, alright? You’re going to encounter some Americans. And while it’s nice to have someone to talk with about Peyton Manning’s incredible season, don’t dwell on this. Keep this one as a bro and don’t waste your precious drunk time with a frat star anymore than you have to. That’s what America is for.
5. Your Dealer
This isn’t any different than home. He’s going to try to have sex with you.
6. Sultry Spaniard
How did a night of quiet pre-drinks turn into all night at the club with a group of strangers? You don’t care, because you’re in a group of 8 Spanish men. They’ll buy you drinks and try to woo you, one by one. You begin to think “muy guapa” means “more drinks,” but turns out they don’t like girls getting too trashed. The next day, they’ll find you on Instagram and you’ll be a little surprised (albeit grateful) by the amount of selfies they post.
7. Posh
If you meet someone from London, he’s likely posh. He will think that “turn up” means “showing up promptly on time.” He’ll also say ridiculous things like, “I would be delighted to buy you another Bombay Sapphire and tonic, but I can’t be bothered to leave your beautiful side.” If he’s wearing an expensive blazer to a trashy club, this is a safe bet that he will pay for your cab ride home like a perfect gentleman.
8. (Note: this is the only one on the list that you should NOT be hooking up with) The Well- Dressed Child
So you’re sitting on the train/bus, and you look over to see a miniature adult next to you. This will be the most adorable child you’ve ever seen, only thing is, you realize that every single little boy around you has a better sense of style than any guy you have ever dated. At six years old, this little Parisian dude already looks like he chain-smokes, reads Beauvoir, and is a total ladykiller in kindergarten. He’s more of a man than your last seven frat hookups combined.
BONUS ROUND!: This is the more selective group, the group you aren’t guaranteed to meet, but keep your fingers crossed that you will!
1. Prostitute/Escort
Let’s just hope he’s off-duty when you meet, but, he will be fascinating. As someone who is paid to go on dates, he’s going to be damn good at listening. Because, after all, what’s more attractive than an above-average-looking man who is going to listen to you for hours and agree that, yeah, Janice is totally being the bitchy one. He does also make a living doing something else, so I mean, he’s probably pretty great at that, too.
2. The Military Man
First thing, this is not like America. These guys are not like the gorgeous cadets at Air Force/Wespoint/Naval Academy, just no. You’ll find a hot one every once in a while, but guaranteed he’s a bit out of shape. He’s basically the equivalent of the Police Academy. Except, you might encounter the brooding, but charming Israeli soldier. Embrace this badass exception.
3. Model/Artist/Musician
Once you’ve charmed your way in with the aforementioned Club Promoter, you get special VIP seating at the club, and here, amongst the young and wealthy, you will lay eyes on the most beautiful, waif-like creature you’ve ever seen. Male models are shockingly tiny, but those sunken cheek bones will melt your heart. Bonus points if he is also a dancer, and bisexual.
4. Your soulmate
Just so long as this doesn’t happen to be the escort or the promoter, you might actually make it out alright. We’re all happy for you.
5. Uncircumcised
Lol jk that’s everyone.
So, now that your time abroad is winding down, do you have anyone else to add to the list? Let’s hear them in the comments.
