Tour Guide at Loss to Explain Student Protest

EVANSTON -- At approximately 2:07 pm this afternoon, student tour guide Jane Woodward remained at a total and complete loss as to how best to explain a developing student protest to her tour group.

According to eyewitness reports, Ms. Woodward (Comm, '15) was unable to adequately respond to questions addressed to her regarding the hundred-plus students gathered at The Rock to protest the hegemonic culture of white privilege and institutional racism at Northwestern University. Nor was Woodward able to cast the protestors' claims that Northwestern perpetuates racist and sexist ideals in a manner that would entice prospective students to apply for undergraduate admission to NU.

"Um..." stammered Woodward, hastily shepherding the group of high schoolers and their overbearing parents parents to Norris Student Center as students decried the University's claim to be a diverse institution while fostering a culture of racial insensitivity. "The Rock is one of Northwestern's oldest traditions, and painting it is a super great outlet for student expression."

Added Woodward, "Painting the rock is totally one of those things you need to do at least once during your four years here. It's a really great canvas for student opinions and messages. Did you know that Northwestern also has the best vegan dining options among all American universities?"

Woodward was further perplexed by the questioning of Jules Whitmore, father of Alexander Hamilton High School junior Aubrey Whitmore, who interrupted her discussion of a cappella groups on campus to ask about the egging incident raised by the protestors.

"You know, Northwestern is like an elite diverse institution that works to recognize the strength of different backgrounds and view points," replied a visibly flustered Woodward. "Race relations here are normally so great! So, have you all heard about Dillo Day yet!?"