What They Didn't Teach Me In College (But I Learned Anyway)
When I left for college four years ago, I (like most of you) imagined I would be immersed in an environment full of intellects on their journey to better themselves by furthering their education.
I was wrong.
I soon learned that going to college is really just a lot of procrastinating on the Internet and complaining about classes crammed between drunken weekends. And it was between two especially drunken weekends in the fall of my freshman year that I learned my first lesson: There are a lot of stupid people in this world, and many of them will be more successful than you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
They’re the kids that sit exactly in the middle of the classroom and ask questions the rest of the class knew the answer to in 6th grade. Questions so obvious and stupid that you wonder not only how they got into the same prestigious university as you, but also how they managed to tie their shoes this morning. Unfortunately, these people usually have jobs already lined up for them at their father’s (or father’s friend’s) company that allow them to sit on their ass playing solitaire and watching porn all day, yet still pay better than your mid-career salary. If you’re lucky enough that they don’t become your bosses, they will be your coworkers. So drink up, because they aren’t going anywhere after graduation.
Which brings me to the next lesson I learned: Alcohol makes everything better.
It helps you get through the days when the aforementioned idiots seem more clueless than usual. It helps you convince your friends that dancing on the bar really is a good idea. And it helps you feel so terrible the next morning that you can forget your problems, at least for a day. It’s like Hakuna Matata for grown ups. But as a grown up you must remember: always usually in moderation (unless you want to be that guy).
Speaking of moderation…we’ve all had nights that we just forget all about it. Sometimes those nights end with epic stories, but more often than not they end in a puddle of vomit, hopefully on or near the bathroom floor. But this is ok, because in my third year of college I learned my third lesson: Everybody pukes sometimes.
The only way to get past it is to pick yourself up, clean the vomit off your shirt, and then clean the vomit off the floor. If you leave the vomit for your friend to clean up, you might still have a friend tomorrow, but you probably won’t be drinking with that friend for a while. This lesson is true when alcohol is not involved as well. Everybody fucks up. And that’s ok. As long as you’re willing to admit you messed up and do something to right the situation, the only person who is going to remember your embarrassing mistake next month is you.
One would think that once you can take away a real-life lesson from observing nights of borderline alcohol poisoning that you have completed your college education. But one would be wrong. As my time in college began to draw to a close and I began my attempt to enter the “real world” by getting a “real job” I learned my last lesson: a college diploma is not worth as much as you think it is.
Everyone and their mother has a college degree, and those people also have something you don’t have: experience. Don’t misunderstand me, you would be far worse off without a degree, but all those years of adults leading you to believe having a diploma will automatically open doors for you is bullshit.
Luckily, you have spent the last four years bullshitting reports, projects, and exams that you are now an expert. You should have no problem bullshitting your way through an interview several interviews until you manage to trick someone into hiring you. After that, you’ll probably have to do some real work, though, so try not to exaggerate too much.
