Why We Still Haven't Finished May Heinous

First Log-6:37 pm Have been chosen to cover this May Heinous thing that Evander came up with. Am somewhat looking forward to it, though worry there won’t be enough alcohol. As such, have hidden six flasks in or around body. Bartender informed me they contain enough alcohol to kill six bull elephants. Still worry it won’t be enough.

Second Log-7:42 pm Am en route to event location. For some reason it is being held at Nero’s place. Raised question about fire safety issues, but Evander told me to shut up and “grow some dragon scales.” Believe I heard him correctly. Currently considering going home and eating ice cream, possibly calling a hospital to ask about nearby mental health facilities for Evander.

Third Log-7:51 pm Arrived at Nero’s. Place smells as bad as Attila the Hun’s taint, which was unceremoniously shown to me upon my arrival. Hate the world and everyone in it more than usual tonight. First flask is already empty.

Fourth Log-8:04 pm Competition has started. Hemingway and Roosevelt are so cool. Churchill also awesome beyond belief. All three continue to make Helen Keller jokes, but she can’t hear so it is a non-issue in terms of offending her. Catherine the Great attempted to feel me up. Rebuffed her, leaving her in the arms of Slobodan Milosevic. Would hate to see their children. Am currently questioning personal stance vis-à-vis mercy killings.

Fifth Log-8:09 pm Shakespeare and Sartre continue to try interesting me in their discussion on the relative merits of literature. Am not nearly drunk enough to contribute. Took shots with Bismarck who, unsurprisingly, can really hold his alchohol. Think I may have misspelled alcohol, but am getting drunk and don’t really care. Andy Warhol is creepy.

Sixth Log-8:18 pm Can taste shapes. Think I may have been slipped something. Everyone is a suspect.

Seventh Log-8:07 am Triangle tastes suspiciously similar to eggplant parmesan and Charles De Gaulle sounds like strawberries. Could get used to this, maybe start a show on Food Network. General Patton eliminated as suspect, as he also found elliptical machine.

8#-Log-!4:19* xv oh god oh god oh fod aooe. Mclellan is not fun and mandela oh go ei. Heio Nab comi spcial pejaps main fond if ingellsce.

Final Log-11:23 am Memories of last night fuzzy at best. All competitors reportedly having undergone same terrible experience. Finding the culprit will not be an easy task. Evander has cancelled the rest of the event to aid the investigation.