Why You Should Boycott the 2012 Summer Olympics

Memories of the Olympics are some of the fondest I have. It’s that wonderful time every other year when I can have absolutely no shame in ruthlessly bashing every other nation in the world, when even the local townspeople don’t seem to mind me painting an American flag on my chest and doing naked jumping jacks in public parks. I think of the Summer Olympics not as an event, but as an atmosphere; I think of warm summer evenings, around-the-clock media coverage, and an incalculable quantity of hateful remarks made toward every other country competing in the Olympics. And when they’re over, the all-encompassing feeling of satisfaction is blended with a growing emptiness, yearning for another platform for unbridled nationalism that doesn’t have to wait until the next Olympics.

However, this utopic three-week period has been put in jeopardy. A new rule passed by the FIVB – which stands either for Fédération Internationale de Volleyball or Fucking Insolent and Villainous Ballsackguzzlers, I’m not entirely sure – has eliminated the requirement that all female beach volleyball players wear bikinis. I REPEAT. THEY DON’T HAVE TO WEAR BIKINIS ANYMORE.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Needless to say, this is an absolute travesty. Accordingly, I declare a call to action. We must boycott the 2012 Summer Olympics. These hookermaniacs over at FIVB must know that their authoritarian assholatry will not be tolerated. If you have any concern about preserving the age-old tradition of simultaneously being sexually and patriotically aroused, it is your duty to boycott, and more importantly, spread the word. Use the hashtag #boycott2012 to make this egregious crime known to the Twitterverse. Share this article on Facebook.

If we garner the support of all those who do truly care and take action for what we know is right, we can bring about change and make history. #boycott2012