10 Signs You’re a Total Human
1. You breathe
This one is totally obvious. I mean, you do it all the time! It’s what keeps you alive. What’s even crazier—you aren’t even aware you’re doing it sometimes. It’s like you could even do it in your sleep.
2. You think
You probably started reading this because you saw the title and THOUGHT to your self “Shoot, am I a human or non-human? I don’t even know sometimes. Maybe I’m a little of both.” Well, guess what: you even having the power to think that is a sign you ARE simply a human.
3. You fart
It’s a natural bodily function and something you shouldn’t be afraid of. Sure, you might be a female and people will tell you it’s not “lady like,” but you know what else wasn’t lady like at one point? Having a job. So, own up to those silent-but-deadlies, ladies and gents, because you’re fucking human!
4. You pee in the shower
You don’t really understand when this became a big no-no because like pee is sterile and sometimes you just really gotta go but don’t have the time to get out of the shower, dry yourself off, go to the toilet, pee and get back into the shower. Like, it’s such a fucking HASSLE. All you have to do is aim for the drain and you’re golden. Seriously. It’s not a big deal. You know that. Why doesn’t anyone else???
5. You have your best ideas right as you’re about to fall asleep
Two words: cat dildos…no wait, that’s not right. Asparagus vodka? No, that’s not it either. Crap, you totally had your breakthrough idea that would make you a billionaire last night, but you forgot to write it down. One thing’s for sure, you came up with Uber before it was a thing but you just, you know…forgot.
6. You’re indecisive sometimes
Sometimes, you just can’t make a decision on even the simplest of things. Like, which shirt should I wear today? Should I get chocolate ice cream or peppermint? Is incest ACTUALLY wrong or just frowned upon? Yeah, simple things…
7. But you can definitely also make decisions sometimes, too, MOM
You DECIDED to read this article. And you DECIDED this article was totally dumb 3 numbers ago. Yet you DECIDED to keep reading because you’re actually a little nervous you might not be human. Good job making decisions and stuff.
8. You’ll never be the best at anything
This is just a fact of human life. Sure, you may have been the “best” student in your high school as evidenced by your grades and test scores, but now you’re at college and you’re probably just average. Or worse. Even if you become good enough at something for someone to call you the best, there will always be some other expert that will argue for someone else. The lesson here? Do the human thing and settle for mediocrity.
9. There’s that one thing you have always regretted telling your friends
For whatever reason you thought it was a good idea to tell your friends about the time you accidentally belly-flopped off a high dive or the time in fourth grade you stole a bag of rock candy from a hobo on the street and it turned out to be crystal meth. God forbid you told them about the time your first grade class called you “butterfingers” after you completely missed a catch in four square and now all your college friends think it’s hilarious to call you that and make you relive the most humiliating moment of your pre-pubescent life. Ugh.
10. Sometimes when you get lost in your thoughts you wonder if Earth and the rest of the known universe is really just the petri dish of some extraterrestrial scientist. Maybe all we really are is what a petri dish full of bacteria is to human scientists—an experiment. Like, the reason the universe is constantly expanding is because they keep transferring us to larger petri dishes. And the big bang was really the moment the scientist touched his q-tip to the agar. And each planet is just really a small speck of dust that contaminated the plate. So basically we’re just as insignificant as the bacteria we studied in middle school biology and now you can justify showing up to class drunk or failing your driving test 3 times—it just doesn’t actually matter.
Those are normal thoughts, right?
